It’s Friday night (the 14th August) and I wanted to get my blog done this weekend, because it’s my birthday tomorrow, so I’m sat here now at 10pm writing it so I can go and have my birthday weekend. There are two things I want on my birthday. I started it two years ago when I spent a birthday alone (loved it) in London. I got myself a bottle of champagne, and I got myself a portion of chips and peas from the chippy. Perfect. Love me champers, love me chips.

I’m looking forward to it tomorrow. Bacon butty to start the day, off out singing in the afternoon for the Rotary Club (always like to do a bit of singing on my birthday), then back to mine. The kids round the back will be bouncing around, their mum Adele is going to do the chips in her fryer (real chips like when I was a kid), and I bought mushy peas ready to make from the market yesterday. Friends coming round, sit on the back, have a laugh, not bothered about cake as I don’t have a sweet tooth, and then I want to play cards for a bit later on if we feel like it. Not done that in years. Just wish my life wasn’t going so quickly. It’s flying by. Would love to be who I am now but 10 years younger.

At the beginning of this year I thought I would have been in New York this year for it but not meant to be. I wonder what I would have been doing if I was there. I would have gone to the beach for the day (love sitting on the beach in the sun) and then done something in the evening. Frozen margaritas with friends.

I’ve now done 45 concerts for people in lockdown. I decided to count them all in my diary and was shocked that I have done so many. Really proud of myself. It’s been all about helping others. Coming together through music and bringing people together on their streets. Singing for people who are ill, have been ill, are shielding and isolating, who are tired of being stuck indoors, who listened from their windows, people who want some live music. For kids, for older people, for anyone who asked me. It’s been truly a pleasure and it’s changed me too. Even looking back a few months when I did the first one to how I am now it feels like it was ages ago. I’ve shown I can make it work even in adversity. No matter what happens we can still bond together and not lose our humanity for others. I take a lady every Friday to assist her on a walk. She’s struggling and keeps falling so wanted some company. She used to be a judge in London. I go near her. I don’t care. I go in her house. If she needs help and I can help her I will. We are people and we need contact, and I really enjoy my time with her. I refuse to be made to feel bad for what is basic human instinct, and that’s what my singing is about too. Direct contact and bringing people together.

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

I was pissed off this week though too. I offer my services and do say to people ‘if you are able to give a donation it helps’. I understand we are all in a different position right now so I feel that’s a nice thing to say. No pressure on people then who maybe can’t (I sing for everyone), plus I don’t want to feel things are a business transaction, but a heart transaction. I sang at an old folks home. One of the carers asked me. Everyone sat out in the garden and we had a good hour together. I did my thing. At the end the carer embarrassingly said to me:

‘I just found out 10 minutes ago that we don’t pay the first time someone comes because they have to show us what they can do first. If you send us your price list we can see for next time’.

I just found that rude tbh. I wasn’t going to prove myself, or to be considered for anything in the future. I was going to help. I was going to help those elderly people who have not seen relatives for months and have been mainly stuck indoors, who have had no live music in all that time, and have been isolated like never before looking at people with masks on, so don’t insult me (a professional singer) and tell me you needed to see what I could do first. I don’t blame the carer. I know how hard these carers work, and I know how much they care for the people they look after. I think it’s the bosses who are fucking rude, and stingy. Fuck them, because I have no desire to go again if that’s what they think of someone going to help THEIR people. ‘Show us what you can do first love and then we’ll have a think about it’. Kiss my arse. This is what happens with business. They take the ‘people over profits’ out of the equation.

I’m singing all weekend. Tomorrow for the Rotary Club and Sunday in Halifax. Branching out a bit. The excitement. Actually going a bit further afield. Ha ha. 10 miles down the road. I feel like Bryn in ‘Gavin and Stacey’. I don’t have as many concerts in my diary now. They are petering out a bit. I felt it in my gut a few weeks back that they were going to be less and not to push for them anymore. I am happy to do them as long as people ask me but I also feel it’s time to be looking towards what’s next too, plus I want a bit of a rest too.

I did a Summer Studios course through The Sage, Gateshead all last week. I thought I would be singing all week. Everyone else was there to write their own music all week (we did it online of course), so it was a totally different set of people than what I’m used to being around in the music world. I really enjoyed it. I learnt so much and got some really great advice. I worked for 3 hours with a director who loves Julie Andrews too and works for Opera North, aswell as running her own theatre company. Caroline Clegg. We clicked. She got what I am trying to do with my Julie Andrews show and I absolutely loved every minute I was working with her. She gave me some great ideas and I plan to work with her in the future (as she lives up North), on adding some extra details so the show is more interesting for people. Some movement and more characterisation. I got advice from artist managers, promoters etc…..just a ton of info on the other side of things. The things I am trying to learn about. They all liked the idea of what I am doing and feel that if I can get some funding and build a small team of people, they can help me to get it out there next year. Director, PR, Producer. Basically I was doing it all on my own before, learning on the job but it was very stressful and a lot of work. The singing was becoming 5% of everything else I was doing to make it work. So they helped me with lots of advice but now I have to put a funding application into the arts council.

My head is a cloud about it. So overwhelming for me this kind of thing because I’ve just never done anything like it before. Never done a business plan or budget etc……always just paid for things myself. Never asked others for money, but I do feel I need help now and don’t want to do it on my own. Right now I don’t know where to start with it. A few people have offered to help, but if there is anyone out there who comes from that business world who can offer help and advice, then I would greatly appreciate some help, even if it’s a phone call just giving me some advice. Very out of my comfort zone, but I know I have to at least try if I want to have a shot of getting my show out there again. They were saying they don’t see theatres opening until next Easter, so it would give me time to really work on things and put it all together to get going again next year. I’m scared. It’s another thing I have to work out. How will I get my show out there and what does the future hold? There’s a huge chance my application won’t be successful and then what?

I’m also chomping at the bit now to get into my new apartment. I was hoping to be in for my birthday, but not happened yet. Still not ready, so I’m really hoping to be in this time next week. I’m just so ready to have my own space again. It’s been 4 years since I lived alone and since then I reckon I’ve lived and stayed in over 100 places on all my travels and adventures. I’ve had all my things in one room in other people’s houses, so to be able to do this again feels great. My place, my space, my energy, my things, my way of living. Cannot wait. The idea of pottering around and having my own kitchen etc……just feels like bliss. Hurry up!!!!!!

Most of the time I’m fine. I don’t watch the news. I don’t have any interest in the fear they want to feed us on a daily basis. I am concerned with how I can do my mission for others and wondering how that is going to pan out. Staying strong in all this. Trusting. Following my gut instinct. Taking care of myself too. Going through my own ups and downs. Embracing the changes in myself this year, grieving the things I’ve lost, stepping into the unknown, feeling proud of the way I have stepped up for others. This year has been like no other. When I came back from NY in September 2016 feeling absolutely certain my future was there (I still feel it), I didn’t think 4 years later I would still not be anywhere near that dream. I think this year I have learnt more than anything to go with the flow, not push and force for anything anymore, stand up, be me and speak my truth, and to trust that I do not have to be in control, steering the ship. All I have to do is listen to my inner guidance and follow it, and more than anything ‘BE ME’.

The rest will take care of itself. I cannot make the things happen that I want in my way. They will happen in the way they are meant to. My concerts for people happened organically from me being me, ‘The Voice’ got in touch with me, The BBC got in touch with me, the director was organised for me by the people at The Sage. They’ve shown me how to move things on. I didn’t have to work it all out myself. I can get help. I’m letting the universe help. Spirit, my guides etc….whoever the hell up there or wherever they are, to help (we never walk alone). Not just me. I will never really stand in fear. I also know that. I am strong and centred. There are moments of fear. We all have that but I will never let it take over. These are all the things I’ve learnt this year, so tomorrow I’m going to sit with my champers, and my big fat plate of chips and mushy peas with tons of salt and vinegar and say ‘cheers’. Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!

Check out my website at http://www.iamnicolamills.com and follow or like my page on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/iamnicolamills

On another note, if anyone wants to hear my story of how I got into music and what happened throughout my life then listen to the talking newspaper interview I did recently. I have a story. Here’s the link (scroll down to ‘our local magazine’ and find me at ‘a soprano with a suitcase’).
http://www.tntod.org.uk/