So we’re already starting to leave the Summer behind and it’s been a year like no other. I know my life has changed on so many levels this year and I wasn’t expecting any of it. I should have been just back from another 3 months in New York, not sure where I would have been living in the world, and about to sing at a wedding anniversary for some people who always gave me lifts home when I was younger, from Oldham Music Centre, because my own parents never came to pick me up. I imagined that I would have pretty much known what I was doing for the rest of the year. I was in control of my dreams and my mission. My way or the highway.

In the current situation my control has gone out the window and I need to surrender and let the universe in. I’ve now done 55 concerts for people in lockdown. I have another this weekend, another on Tuesday, and a few dotted in this month and then I don’t know. Absolutely no idea what the universe has in store for me. I’m not scared. I would have been a few years back. It’s the first time ever in my life that there is space for the universe to take over and bring things to me. I’m so used to being in the driving seat and having it all sorted out for myself so I know just where I am up to, and can stay nicely in control. I am a control freak it seems. I’ve worked out that I have never really given space for things to come to me. Never stepped out of the way to let the universe do it’s magic. I know best you see. Well, things are different now, and it actually feels good to say ‘I just don’t know right now but I am excited to see what happens’. It feels less stressful to not be continually working things out and doing it all myself.

My life might have stayed in the same place all this time geographically but on the inside it’s like I’ve been here, there and everywhere. On a world tour on the inside. Grown so much and I’m not the same person I was 6 months ago. Some of my friends have changed. Some have dropped away as I no longer resonate with them, and new ones have come in. Sometimes it’s been really upsetting and other times it’s been easy. Many people are going back to work and the kids are going back to school. For some people I know nothing much has changed this year. Life has pretty much got back to normal. For musicians and theatre people we have no idea how it will all unfold. All I know is how I want to do things. From the heart and for the people. ‘The Voice’ said ‘no’ and that took me all of about a second to be bothered. I can’t stand these programmes anyway. Just an exercise in manipulation and using people for their own means. Always about them. Well, I’ve done a lot of ‘all about other people’ in my life and I’m done with it. The person I am now compared to the person I was a few months back when they asked me are different. My gut knows I can’t stand these programmes so why did I even do it in the first place?

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One nice thing that has happened that has come purely from me being me is that I now have a tour producer who wants to work with me. Like I say, very early days and no idea if anything will come of it but I have someone else on team Nicola. It’s not just me. I was given the idea by The Sage, Gateshead when I did the course a few weeks back. Find a tour producer, get some PR, get some funding etc…… I didn’t even know that tour producers existed. The old me would have gone into a stress thinking ‘omg, I have to find a tour producer. How am I gong to do that?’ I would have got on the internet in a stressed state thinking ‘if I don’t find a tour manager I’ll never do my mission in life’. This was my old thinking. I didn’t do that. Yes, I had a look and casually contacted a few people online and heard nothing back. There’s also a guy here who runs quite a few theatres in the UK who I’ve sometimes chatted to on Facebook and he’s given me some moral support doing all these concerts here. I contacted him and asked if he knew anybody. He put me in contact with a guy originally from Todmorden where I live, who now lives down South. I nervously sent an email after looking at their website saying they’ve set up tours for Boyzone and Lee Evans and was like ‘Hi, I’m little old me, singing opera for people on their streets etc…….’ thinking I’m asking someone who works with the big boys here. Anyway, he called me. A guy called Mark. Said he had already heard about me and looked me up. Listen to this. You couldn’t make this stuff up. When I did the interview for the talking newspaper it just happened to be his mum who was sat in the room whilst her husband interviewed me. It just happened to be his mum who I sat and had a cup of tea with twice and it just happened to be his mum who came to hear me sing on the streets. She had already mentioned me to him, so when Andrew (the guy who runs the theatres here) mentioned me I was already on his radar. We chatted about ideas and he’s currently helping me to put the application together for funding and the plan is (I never fully know how things will go) to set up a series of community events around the UK in collaboration with organisations to bring music to the people in the way I do it. I have the skill to do that, and they have the bonds with places and venues. I have my tour manager who will bring his ideas to the table with his team of people. Came to me from me being me. From doing the concerts throughout lockdown, and from the BBC contacting me, and the talking newspaper contacting me from that. All the jigsaw pieces connecting together from me just being me. Helping people. Not from me looking for it. Let’s see what happens. It means I have to let go of control and let someone help me. Not easy for me. For the last week I’ve been waiting to hear back about the application and what to do next. He did say it would take all week so I’m just in limbo playing the waiting game.

Talking of another waiting game, I’m still not in my apartment. I thought it would have been ready just before my birthday (by the way I loved my evening of champers with chips and peas where we used the wheelie bins for tables. We kept it real). Then I was told the 28th. Then I was told the 4th September or maybe the 5th, and now it’s been put back to the 11th. In fricking limbo. Waiting, waiting to move. I want my own space now. I’ve been really happy living where I’ve lived but I just want my own space now. I want my own energy to vibe in doing what I want. I’m tired of sitting around other people’s stuff and living around them. It’s been 2 and a half years of being in other people’s spaces. Around 80 different places. I just want to follow my own way of living now and potter in my own space. It’s done my head in these past few weeks playing the waiting game.

So what else have I done? I’ve sang a lot. I’ve done concerts round and about. It’s kept me busy. I surprised someone in the local chippy (waiting for the video), walking through the back to surprise a member of staff for her birthday, sang at The Piece Hall in Halifax twice, and done my pop up concerts. I did a lovely one last week at Turton Tower and helped to raise £300 for Bolton Hospice at the same time. Win, win. A lovely bunch of people there to sing to. It’s led to two more events. One tomorrow afternoon and one on Tuesday. I also recorded a session for a dementia radio station so I’m looking forward to hearing that too. I’m meeting lots of different people and chatting to them. It’s what I do. Connect with people. Bring people together when I sing. I’ve enjoyed it. It’s given me such a lot on the inside. Helped me to ‘bloom and grow’ as they say in the song ‘Edelweiss’. People have shown me immense kindness and generosity, and they’ve helped me more than they could ever know too. Someone took me to buy a bed here too. Spent £350 on a bed for me for my new place for all I have done for the community. Blown away.

The mayor sent me a certificate of recognition with an accompanying letter to say thanks. It’s really nice. Nice to have been seen and valued and appreciated. The people have helped me so much. I don’t know if I will have to go back to busking. I don’t want to really. I don’t want to stand with my box again hoping that people stop to listen. I’ve had audiences all Summer now. I’ve had the chance to chat and bond and shine and connect and really do my work for people, so going back to that will do my head in a bit. It’s really not what I want anymore, but needs must too. At least I can sing and do that if I have to, and I have a car now so can be a bit more free with it. It’s just not the same energy inside me now. The thought of standing there with my box just feels disheartening now. My heart doesn’t want to do it anymore. Back to the start of this blog then. Back to walking into this empty space not knowing what will fill it. Trying not to be bothered by that or worried. Going with the flow. Letting it come to me. I don’t have to always do all the work. Trust in the universe. Make the space to let things happen. It is a new way of being. Doing it differently and it does feel less stressful. Letting go of old patterns and fearful ways of doing things. Actually stepping into new energy. I have never felt as powerful on the inside when I sing as I do now. I just feel it and it’s different. I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. I feel a glow in my tummy where my intuition lies and it’s vibrant and alive. My soul is content. What more can I say really? No more pushing, forcing, worrying, making things happen and fear. Done. Over. No longer my way.

For more info and if you would like me to sing for you contact me via my website at http://www.iamnicolamills.com or via my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/iamnicolamills