Hi. I waited to do my blog because I knew I was going to be in The Big Issue magazine today and wanted to feature it here. I was interviewed a few weeks back over a glass of wine and I spent an hour and a half telling my story, warts and all. It shocked me a bit when I read it because he really has spoken some of my real truth and when you see it on paper it feels so different, but it’s real and it’s part of my story.
I had a pretty traumatic childhood. Two parents who were young and unable to support me emotionally. My dad was out at work and my mum had 6 children to look after on her own. Nuts. My dad became an alcoholic so there was endless drama and one of my brothers commit suicide. That’s only part of the story. But music has saved me and was my medicine as a child and still is now. It got me into a whole new world and I will love singing forever for what it’s done for me.
No one was interested in what I was doing as a child so I learnt to support myself, and I have fought with everything I had to sing. It’s made me strong and independent and I’m grateful for that. I don’t reckon I would have done half the things I’ve done over the last 10 years if I wasn’t a tough bugger. I’ve definitely got balls.
So this month is all about Christmas for ‘the people’. Jingle Bells, Batman smells and all that. I’m in the thick of my Christmas concerts on the streets and have around 18 more to go. I’m having to say no to people now who are asking me which I don’t like doing (I am such a pleaser when it comes to singing), but my voice can only do so much and I have to take care of it too. The other weekend I was just so anxious about it all, worrying that I’d taken on too much. Doing this Christmas stuff is out of my comfort zone and not all of it suits my voice. I’m singing low down a lot which is always my weakest part of my voice and I was worried I had taken on too much and couldn’t do it all. I give such a lot and can’t bear to not be good for people, and sometimes singing outside when I am doing new stuff messes with my head. I need to get comfortable and build my confidence, but despite that I still have to go out and pretend I feel confident, and I get things like this going on.
When this happens I love it. Then I see people coming together. People having fun and enjoying themselves. I think I’ll never not have anxiety about it. I wouldn’t be an artist if I didn’t feel insecure. When I sing inside I can hear myself and what my voice feels like, but when I am outside I sometimes have no idea what comes across and end up trying harder and I have to not do that. I was in Saltburn this last weekend. My friend has an apartment there that she lets me stay in and somebody had asked me to sing too on the Friday night so I went up for a few days. Good to have a change of scenery right now and to be by the sea.
I LOVE the sea. It is medicine for me in every way. The sound of it at the side of me just sorts me out, so I had a good few walks along the seafront. I was due to busk on the Saturday but was warming up and really just didn’t want to. My confidence had gone, but I knew some people were coming especially to watch so I had to go out there and do it, and I’m glad I did. I stood under a canopy which gave me something back and I could feel what I was doing and actually build a bit of confidence up, and people reacted really well. No one would have known I felt like that because I just smile and pretend I’m ok, but I don’t always have it all together. I’ve also been doing a Christmas Song Advent Calendar every day. A different song every day. That has messed with my head too. Watching myself and listening to it, and hearing all the things wrong. We are on day 14 now and I’ve made a mistake in every single one of them, but I just do one take and that’s it. Not faffing around with it. All the crap is in my head, but I’ve had so many people sending comments through and telling me how much they are enjoying it.
The ‘walking in the air’ video has shocked me at so many views. I wish I had sung it better. Ha ha (here I go again with the it’s never good enough thing).
I’m just trying to be honest every time I write this, not just give you the tits and teeth version of things.
What a year it’s been though. I sang earlier today for a street in Todmorden and was on my daily walk (meditation), and wondered what this year would have been like for me if all this hadn’t happened. Like the film ‘Sliding Doors’. How would my Julie Andrews tour have gone? Would I have sang for Disney? How would my time in New York have been? How busy would I be now? Where would I even be? That world has gone though, never to return. I am busy until the end of this year and have been pretty busy most of this year, but next year so far is just an empty page. Nothing in it yet. One gig in May. That’s it. No idea what will fill it. I think I will have done about 100 concerts by the end of this year in lockdown for people, and I know I I’ve sang for 100’s of people this year.
I am so proud of myself for what I have done. My life has gone in a totally different direction and I’ve grown so much on the inside. My feet are even more on the ground than ever, and I’ve connected even more on a base level with people. I’ve been shown kindness and community like never before, been on the BBC news, in The Big Issue, been interviewed for podcasts and talking newspapers, and gone even further away from the ‘profession’ as it was. I have no idea how things will go. Will I get some funding from the arts council to develop my ideas further? No idea. When will I get to go back to America? No idea. All I know is that I have a voice and it will be used to help others. I don’t know how but it’s what I came here to do in this lifetime, and it’s what I will do.
I’m going to take a break though in January. I need it. I feel like I’ve given so much this year to others which has been amazing, but I need to step back and give to myself too. Just go back to basics about what makes ME happy. I’m so used to giving to others that sometimes I don’t even think I know how to give to myself. Yes, of course, singing gives to me but I need a break from pleasing others now. I want to get some of my opera arias out that I haven’t sung for ages and just feed my soul with the music I have loved for years. Sing things I really want to sing. I’m looking forward to that. Not having to please others for a while. I bought myself some big fat wireless headphones and got them yesterday. I just wanted to blast some classical music into my ears and pretend I was in a concert hall. I miss it. Hearing a good orchestra. Then the night turned to a ‘party for one’ in my room and I got the gin out too. I had all sorts on until 2am, just feeding my need for music and stuff I have loved for years. ‘The Kids from Fame, Queen, George Michael, Elton John etc…. I was up dancing too. Best party I’ve had. Silent disco in my house, in my new room. Twice the size of the one I had (same house, bigger room), and I have bought a couch for myself too. Three years of sitting in various rooms with only a bed to sit on is enough. Time for my own sofa again. Not going anywhere anytime soon, so my bum may aswell have some comfort.
I plan to do an online concert next year with a pianist (need some variety and new stuff to sing and it’s something I really want to do for me). I want to sing some stuff I just love and not be using backing tracks and be limited. Really just feed my heart. I tend to go away from the virtual stuff. Not my bag really. It’s fake. I need atmosphere and magic and people to react to and banter and connection. If there’s one thing I’ve done this year, it’s created connection. As the government do all they can to keep us separate I go against it. We need connection and we need each other. We don’t need fear. It destroys us. Someone said to me years back that I am a warrior of love. Yes I am when I sing. I go and give my heart and love to others. It’s not right that people are isolating. We need love…….
I truly wish you all a lovely Christmas and that you spend time with people that you love. I’ll be going to my brothers and seeing friends and will be singing right until New Years Eve. I thank every single one of you for the support and love you have shown me this year in whatever way has worked for you (every kind gesture towards me means such a lot). Do carry on getting in touch if I can help in any way and entertain people where you are, but for this year I’m going to say ‘Happy Christmas’ and thanks for the beers. I think I’ll be sloshed the whole of January from it (only joking). If anyone else would like to donate the link is http://www.buymeacoffee.com/singingnick
Lots of love to you all…..and I’ll see you in 2021.
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You have been singing your heart out for others throughout the year Nicola, you deserve to take a break in January for your own self care. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a great New year xx
It’s been great to hear you through the year and we’re glad that we had the opportunity to do so and to make you get your sparkly dress on when we promised to put our glad rags on and dance up at Albert Promenade. Glad your taking a small break in the New Year as I did wonder when we saw you at Manor Heath in the pouring rain how that and all the other weather you’ve had to contend with would affect your voice as the last thing you need is to knacker your voice. You are going to need it next year when things get back to normal and your diary starts filling again, all the entertainers this year have been having issues due to the lack of work and for singers not using the one thing they love to do and that is to sing and keep their voices in check. We love you so much for what you have done for everyone during this horrible year and the pleasure you have given to so many people. Finally hope you have a brilliant Christmas and a wonderful New Year. Love to you and your family Tom and Jan Stewart.