I’m a bit grumpy today and trying to work out what I am actually feeling and what’s annoying me. I’m just making some apple and pear chutney with the apples and pears I got in my veggie box. I don’t like anything going to waste. I was meant to be singing somewhere this afternoon but changed it to tomorrow and hope we get an hour where it doesn’t rain. I’ve got three more organised concerts to do, so I will have done 64 in total, during lockdown. What a wonderful experience it’s all been. I feel privileged and humbled to have had so many lovely opportunities and I have loved doing them and loved the love and support I have been shown in return. I can honestly say I am not the same person I was 6 months ago.


I’ve also started busking again. Back out there. I use my little microphone now which means I can chat a bit to people who stop to listen in between songs, and add a bit of banter, which is something I never did before. I can see I am even doing that differently now. I’m not doing it as much as I used to. Cannot be bothered. Just want to do it when I want to and not be in one spot too much. Give people some live music. I’m not travelling as much so don’t want overkill in any one place, and I just haven’t got it in me anymore to go finding spots. It’s been really nice to do it again but I had some shop people moaning and in one place I was moved on by a security guard. People stuck up for me. I’m just like ‘with everything that has happened this year we need to get a grip, and let a bit of live music go on’. Not everything is about business and making money (anti capitalist that I am), and seen as I am only there for about and hour and a quarter, it surely can’t be so much to bear.

And now for some more ranting. I’m tired of all the rules. I’m so over it now. Not even listening anymore. Way over the top. So many things are back going again but not fucking music events. Fuck off. Doing it in empty venues for no audience. Fuck that too. I always swear when something bugs me. I am a passionate person and this is bullshit now. I don’t watch the news, and I certainly do not listen to the government. I listen to my own intuition and inner guidance to tell me what to do, and if anyone asks me to sing I will be saying yes. The music profession is finished at the moment and we need music. We need entertainment. We need connection and community and to bond with other people, and we need musical energy. Not the energy of the low vibrational mainstream crap that is churned out, but the energy of high vibrational music. With the frequencies that heal and uplift people. Rant flipping over.

So I will be carrying on. I will go and stand wherever I need to stand and sing for people. I was singing at The Piece Hall last week. For a Macmillan coffee morning. The people who had organised it had put so much into it and did everything they could to not cancel it. People had baked cakes and donated them and they were just trying to help others. I was so happy they didn’t cancel, and found a way around all the many many rules that are now in place.

There were a few young children there and one little boy kept getting grumpy in between songs. I am always aware with little children that sometimes the high notes might be too much for their ears so I try to take it gently for them, and thought that’s why the little boy was grumpy, but his mum said ‘he is loving it and wants you to sing more. Hurry up, he’s saying’. That’ll do me just fine. What a compliment from one of my youngest listeners. I am so glad I could sing there, and I came away with an afternoon tea of cakes for my little holiday I had last weekend with a friend.

Lisa, a lady I have sang a few times for works as a carer and is an absolute trooper, helping older people and she asked me to sing twice for the people she cares for. One of my toughest audiences to crack, the first time I went, but I got there. Lisa offered me a caravan in Rhyl for free for the weekend. I never thought I would be excited about going to Rhyl, but after everything this year and hardly travelling, it was lush, as the Welsh say. Loved it. Had a fantastic time with Suzan, who I went with. Both of us just having time out. I came away with a closer bond to her too, as we didn’t know each other so well. A friend of both of us was meant to come too but couldn’t at the last minute but it turned out really well. Beautiful weather.

Conwy was lovely and Llandudno but just delightful. I never use words like that but it just put a huge smile on my face. Sooooooo pretty and with so much beauty around. Gorgeous hills and beaches. We both went on a cable car over the hills. Loved it, and it was good to just have a break from the norm.
Another thing I’ve been doing is carrying on with my arts council funding application. There is a lot to do, and it’s making sure every question is answered in the right way. A skill in itself. I’ve got the tour manager guy (Mark Makin), helping me with it, through people he knows too from the arts council etc……It will be developing further what I have been doing for people in Lockdown and building connections in other places and communities. I feel so strongly inside (warrior bitch) that we need more connection and community and I will do what I can do and do my heart work for others. I am definitely coming more from a heart place now. I have learnt who I really am this year and what I stand for. I also applied to another fund too this week, so fingers crossed I receive some help.
There’s also a filmmaker here who is going to put a video together of what I do and who I am, using footage from all the concerts I’ve given. We filmed a bit of me chatting this morning so I’m looking forward to seeing what he does with it all. The Sage, Gateshead gave me £300 towards getting a new video done so this is how I am using it.

On another note, I have also found a pianist to work with around here. Lives a 10 minute walk down the road. It seems you can find anything in Todmorden. So many creative people. I love the two pianists I work with (one in London and one in South Wales), but logistically at the moment it’s not possible to work with them and I wondered if I could find someone local who I can at least do some stuff with. Jenny just rocked up, I gave her the Julie Andrews score and we went through it. Cracking. Nice person, really well organised and I liked her. Hopefully in time I can work again in other places with Gary and Andrea. This whole profession on it’s arse thing is getting shitty (ranting again).

I’m also still not moved into my new place. What a palaver that has been. Waiting and waiting for the apartment to be ready, only to be asked 3 days before if I could pay 6 months rent upfront. Errrrrrr, no. This went on all day in texts and by the end of the day, I just thought ‘I do not want you as my landlord’, took back control, put my stuff in storage and found a new place to live, in a big house in the centre, with 9 others. Full of creatives. I have a cellist in the room next door. I thought I wanted to live on my own, but I am really happy with this set up. I like ‘life’ around me. I like noise and things going on and a buzz (one of the things I love about New York), and the rent is half the price of what I would pay to live on my own. I just think in the current climate it gives me more freedom and less pressure and stress to afford things. I’ll have my room and a huge house to share with others. Looking forward to it. I’ve been living above the main pub in the centre of Todmorden for the last few weeks. Quirky as. I just needed a change. I am used to change. I loved living at Gina’s but she was ready for her space back and it was time for me to move on.
I do like that I am creating a life here. I know at some point I’ll move on but it has been lovely. It’s good to have friends who live nearby (lots of friends all over the place), and to have a social life and to not be moving on every few months. It’s nearly 3 years now since I’ve had a fixed address (I left London at the end of January 2018), and I’ve been from place to place since. My room on Monday will be somewhere that I don’t have to leave after a length of time. I can stay until life moves me on. That feels really nice. I think I’ve stayed in about 80 places in the last three years.
So it’s back to busking for the foreseeable future. Really glad I at least have that. No one on my back. No boss telling what I can and can’t do. No conforming to things I don’t agree with. In charge. It makes me glad that I am in a position that gives me a level of freedom in what I do. Some singers are now forced to wear masks for singing. I will not be doing that. My face will be seen. All part of it. People do not want to look at a mask on someone when hearing a song. I keep my distance. No problemoooooo.

I’m feeling less grumpy now. Helped doing this. I’m learning to speak my truth more. I know some people won’t like it, but I know what place I come from. I know the person I am on the inside and I’m a good person. Just trying to help and serve others. Have a lovely day everyone wherever you are and thanks for your continuing support. It is very much appreciated. I can’t do what I do without you, the people.
If anyone wants to contact me for anything you can find me through my website at www.iamnicolamills.com or like my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/iamnicolamills