The last few weeks have been a whole set of emotions. I’ve felt lots of anger and frustration coming up, I’ve been grumpy and irritated underneath it all, but it is time to say goodbye to the world I was living in. There will be no going back to how it was or back to normal. Not even possible even if I wanted to because these past few months I’ve grown even more on the inside. Learnt a lot and gone within every day. For me this time is an inner time. I do believe we are going through a massive change in consciousness, and I know my role is to be part of that change and raise my vibration, and this is what will come through my singing to heal and help others. There’s no going back now. Even if someone said ‘you can go back tomorrow to what you have just had taken away from you’, I know deep down I wouldn’t want to.
It’s like a catch 22. On the one hand I’m pissed off that I feel like I have nothing left career wise. Nothing in the diary except a few things in September, which may also get cancelled. Pissed off that I can’t do my show. The profession is at a stand still, and I know many places will close and the whole profession has changed forever. No going back, and I’m annoyed after all my hard work to be where I am.
On the other hand I know it’s time for a new way of being and coming more from a heart space. I was very stressed putting my Julie Andrews show on because of all the organisation involved and money worries. I felt my life was all about pushing and forcing things out of fear. This huge feeling inside myself for years that I have a mission in life to sing for the masses and that’s what I will do, and doing what I have been doing out of fear to try to MAKE it happen. If I don’t do that I won’t do what I am here to do in this life. All fear. I won’t find a way into America. I will get stuck on the streets. A big ball of fear and stress as the driving force. It’s now about creating things differently and things happening not with me having to be in control all the time.
I really spent time the first month of this lockdown walking a lot (I still am), but sitting in nature and really thinking things through. No more forcing. Absolutely no more forcing. I can’t do it anymore. Tired of fighting for myself and fighting to be heard. I honestly don’t care if I never sing for people again if it’s going to come from the wrong place, so my thinking is changing. My future is to sing for the masses but I’ve realised that I already am. In my mind I sing for ‘the people’ wherever I go.
My ethos is to connect with ‘the people’ and I’ve been doing that now for 5 years all around the world. Just because it’s not a lot of people all in one place at once doesn’t mean I’ve not been doing my mission. I already am. I live in a great community where I am right now. Todmorden has shown me many things and I was always here, there and everywhere but I haven’t found it hard to be in one place and not ‘here, there and everywhere’. I live in a back to back terraced house renting a room and it’s not a fancy town, but it’s a town full of kindness and compassion, with lots of small independent businesses. I sang in the market last Saturday and then when I got my meat from Paul the butcher he gave it to me, and the lady on the cheese stall won’t let me pay full price. People appreciate kindness and it’s everywhere. So I came up with the idea to offer my singing to others as my way of giving.
If the people can’t come to me then I will go to the people. Not talking about money here either. Just if it can help people who are stuck at home and finding it a struggle and just want some live music. That’s what I can offer others. I am tired of this lockdown now and I’ve been out every day doing stuff, but for people who are not leaving their homes it can be really tough. I’ll be out singing for people now for the next three weeks. I’ve sang for someone’s 18th birthday (even got some champagne and they donated some money too), sang on two streets where people came out and brought chairs to sit on, outside a block of flats for the elderly, and for two ladies birthdays yesterday, plus a Facebook ‘live’ video yesterday for some friends in New York. I’ll be going to many more doorsteps and for little communities around here over the next three weeks, and also over to Ripon to sing for a lady there next weekend. She donated money to me at the start of this lockdown and it’s her birthday today so my housemate will drive me next weekend and I’ll sing on her doorstep. I never forget the people who help me. Some people donate something when I sing, some give me wine or buy a cd, or give me a bunch of flowers and some give me nothing. Everything is fine. If it’s helping then I am doing my work.
This is my new normal, and more and more people are contacting me to sing. I’ve only had one lady who annoyed me. I just ask people to make sure people know I am coming so they can come out with a chair if they want. People have been putting little notes through people’s doors. Some people seem to think I am desperate to find somewhere to sing for my own gain. No. I am doing this so I can help people. Absolutely no begging people to listen or hoping people listen. I will happily sit in the sun and not bother thanks. So I walked 7 miles the other day (there and back) to sing for some people and the lady hadn’t told anyone and didn’t show up herself so it was a wasted journey. Annoys me. I’ll sing for anyone but don’t take the mickey, and treat me with respect. I don’t need lots of attention and I’m not chasing people feeding me great comments. I’m literally hoping I can uplift people and leave them better than before I turned up. That’s my reward.
Deep down I am tired of singing on the streets. I wanted out of that this year. I thought I was getting there with it (it’s really hard to sing outside too and yesterday it was really windy), but this is about something different now and the situation is as it is. Bringing music to the people where they are is how it will be for now. Every bit of energy we give out into the world creates the energy we want to live in and I want to live in a better way, so it’s up to me to be that person too. I am responsible for my part in creating a better world. I don’t like how things are. I don’t like that we are being controlled and told what we can and can’t do. I value my freedom over anything, and our rights are being taken away from us in the guise of we are saving each other. I’m getting out and about and doing my bit to be no part of that, so if it takes singing on people’s streets and doorsteps that’s what I’ll do.
The power of music is so strong, and then I’ll be using the nature around me as my medicine and the sun for my immune system, with healthy local food. Back to basics…..I even made my own dandelion cream and dandelion and honey soap this last week. Using the resources around me. If you know anyone I can help right now with my singing then do get in touch. Let’s find our own power and heal the world that way, helping each other with the gifts we have.
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http://www.iamnicolamills.com
well I hope your keeping well Nicola were here as friends anytime