We all know what’s going on so it’s very weird energy around. Do we keep going or do we stop things? It’s kind of shocked me a bit that so many things are being cancelled that are happening in a month or further away. I’ve never lived through anything like this virus and I just don’t know how it will go or what will happen from now, but I know I feel no kind of fear over it.

I am very much ‘it is what it is’ and I’ll do what I need to do and take it day by day. The mass panic is the thing that I find too much and it just doesn’t do that to me. I can be terrified about singing for people but I’m not scared of a virus. I don’t watch the news so I don’t get pulled into it all.

This time last week I had a packed venue in Hebden Bridge and then last night I sang for around 20 people in a freezing church in Shepherds Bush in London.

I’m grateful to everyone who turned out. Funny vibes in the air and my show is very much about the audience and their reactions, so it was a strange one tonight. I know people enjoyed it but you have to slog at it and I was a bit annoyed that the church didn’t make it warm enough for people (I’m always thinking of my audience and I don’t want people to have to sit there freezing), and they didn’t really make much of a effort. I sang there a few months back and I felt they were on board and this time I just felt that they weren’t as bothered. I think only 4 people came linked to the church, and I gave loads of flyers and posters, but ‘Que sera, sera’. They blamed the virus but I think we shouldn’t have organised it if they weren’t going to help to get people in. Like I say, I’m grateful to the people who did come and I saw some people I haven’t see for a while who it was lovely to see, and Barbara came from Lytham who helped me to give out flyers on the streets for my first show. She was meant to come to that one and was sick in bed so missed it. I would have sang it for her alone tonight if I had had to. She was part of the reason I didn’t want to cancel, because she helped me out so much, plus me and Andrea (my other pianist) got to perform it together.

So these past few weeks have been about getting over the laryngitis I had. It went on for ages. I’ve worried and panicked and stressed and calmed myself down to do it all again a few hours later. You would not have wanted to have been in my head the last few weeks. Willing it to come back so I could do the show in Bury and do a demo costing me £2000 and a theatre to pay and a pianist to pay, and not knowing if I would have a voice to do it. I spent hours just tapping (EFT) just to try and calm myself down from the worry, and my voice was just back, but tender and tired and not ready to sing again. I knew that, so I had to put my ‘focus’ head on on the day and just tell myself I was going to get through it. Talk as little as possible, stay focussed and positive that it would work. I got through it. Nobody knew. I enjoyed it. The buzz from the audience was great.

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The theatre in Bury were amazing (loved all the lights and the whole set up). The guys coming to film were a dream to work with and couldn’t have been better if I had asked them to be. I sound slightly hoarse at times when I’ve watched it back but we only had to find 2 minutes for the demo so fingers crossed we can put something together that works. The main thing was that the audience enjoyed it and came away feeling good and positive. It was the same the next night for Hebden Bridge. This was a last minute venue change because of the floods so it was not how it was meant to be, but we got on with it, people turned up, people felt good afterwards, I had no voice during the day and was in a total panic in my head, but somehow I managed to get it going and it felt better than the day before. I can honestly say I never want to go through that again. The stress of not having a proper voice knowing you have to get up there and do it. NEVER AGAIN!!!!!! I lost weight from stress and worry because I couldn’t eat I felt so sick (not that I mind losing a few pounds. Ha ha).

I just have to see what happens now. I was in Nelson promoting my show at the theatre there this week but will it all go ahead? I have two shows two weeks today and do I cancel them or not? My sound technician for the first one has already pulled out and is not sure he will do any of the other shows because he’s worried about the virus, and if it’s going to get to a point where people don’t want to leave the house and go out then is there a point doing them? I still have to pay for my pianist and lost money on tonight so I need to just think now. I even felt bad saying tonight was going ahead because there’s something in the air that says you are not considering others if you carry on, but I figure too that the world can’t just stop. I even feel bad for writing this blog because I’m focusing on me and my singing thingy when I should be worried about what’s going on in the world. Like I said earlier I’m a day by day person and learnt from Eckhart Tolle in my laryngitis inner work time that right now in this moment I am ok.

That’s all I need to know. I haven’t panic bought anything. I don’t understand the need for all this toilet roll. If I did want to panic buy I would be getting fresh food and making stuff to put in the freezer so I do think the world has gone slightly mad and I do wonder what the media are doing to us over it. Building people up into a panicdemic. Next week I am singing for old people all week. There’s not a bottle of hand sanitiser for love nor money I can buy and I have no idea if they will cancel as the week goes on or not. I’m just going to go with whatever, do my bit and know at the end of the day it’s all ok.

So I’m looking forward to seeing my demo. I did watch my show back and at times it is a bit boring. It was good to watch it because I learnt where I need to rethink it amd where it loses energy and momentum, and that I need to have the courage to let go more and that me ‘being me’ and chatting is part of why it works, and to go with that and go for it with that, and just hope that me being me is enough and the show is enough. Is what I am doing good enough? Is it good enough to go somewhere? Does it offer enough to people? I don’t know yet. I am getting great feedback though so even though to me it feels like I’m not doing enough people are coming away feeling good.

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I’ve had a guy contacting me who wants to publicise it but there’s something not right with him. My gut is telling me no and I have to listen to it. He called me but it was awkward to chat to him and he felt awkward and I kind of think if you are a publicist you need to be a people person really. The stuff he’s suggested to try to do is stuff I can attempt myself as I’ve been doing it all anyway so far, so I think it’s just showed me that I CAN do it myself. I’m just not feeling it with him and I’ve lost nearly £10,000 over the last few years paying people to do things they then haven’t done because they’ve talked the talk and not walked the walk. Agents and publicists, so the pot has run dry and I just can’t trust others to do it right now. He was meant to come tonight and then cancelled and I think how can you publicise someone and something when you haven’t seen it? Listen to your gut Nick. I’ve earnt £91 this week and nothing is certain about this coming week too so I just don’t have the money to spend on it all too.

I am bothered tonight that I didn’t give the people the right thing. Like the church was so cold, there were no drinks offered in the interval. In a way I just can’t bear things not to be right for people. They matter to me. How they feel matters to me. I want it to be right for them and I came away not entirely happy. Who wants to sit listening to something when you feel cold? The venue really has to be on board too and offer people the other stuff that contributes to a nights entertainment so I’m learning all the time, and I know it’s going to bug me all day because I can’t stand things not to be right. My audience matter. I feel I let them down and I’m cringing a bit about it inside. Not good.

I was down in Wales most of the week too. I stayed with a friend in Newport which was great. We had a laugh and I went to Chepstow and surrounding areas and Cheltenham to put flyers and posters up. Two totally different venues. In Chepstow it’s a local hall that holds loads of concerts and in Cheltenham it’s a really nice theatre part of Cheltenham Ladies College. That’s my most expensive venue so it’s again about getting bums on seats. On the one hand it’s going great but on the other it’s had everything against it. It’s certainly not flowing easily…….

Anyway, I’ll be out on the streets too again at some point (needs must). I haven’t sang any opera now for a while and I still have my ‘Opera for the People’ stuff. I’m also still waiting to hear back from Disney as to whether I will sing in their roadshow. She told me it could take a couple of weeks for them to organise it before she lets me know but then you start to think ‘are they looking for someone else?’ I’ve just told myself that I’ve done my part and there’s nothing more I can do. Out of my hands now. Que sera, sera. What will be will be. For more info on me and what I’m doing you can take a look at my website at http://www.iamnicolamills.com