Hello from New York, a loony bin of a place where anything goes and if you feel like expressing yourself in whatever way you want, get on with it. Noone will make you feel bad or strange for it. You need to talk loudly on your phone having an argument, do it. You need to walk around in a big pink dress with a wig and beard on and with a rainbow swimming costume on, do it. 

Feel the love, feel the freedom. That’s New York. It’s crazy and amazing and fast and full of good vibes that seep into your system and hook you right in. I don’t meet anyone who says they don’t love living in New York. People who’ve been here for 30 years say ‘I love this place, I still get excited being here’. It might be one of the most expensive cities in the world (a one bedroomed apartment can go for $11,000 dollars a month), and you need a lot of disposable income just to get around and do things, but it doesn’t put people off. They flock here wanting to be part of what’s special about this place. Myself included.

So let’s get down to the nitty gritty. What’s gone on in two weeks. Well, the good stuff is I’ve made some friends. It’s not been hard. Just go to a meetup for some thing or other, get chatting to people and there’s someone who I click with. I met Ellen at a walk in Central Park meetup. She’s an artist, a teacher, single and independent like me. She lived in England and is showing me round a bit and introducing me to things.

 

There’s Ron I met at a ‘let’s talk deep about stuff meeting’ and he’s shown me around New York a few times (he’s a native New Yorker). I also met Valentina there, and Italian jazz singer who has the visa I want so she gives me lots of visa advice and passed on the name of the lawyers she used. I went to comedy in Brooklyn the other night (a freebie I’d seen online). With everything going on with regards to visas in my brain 24/7 I was like ‘I need to laugh and forget about it all’. I walked in on my own had noone to talk to and saw a woman sat on her own. Just went up and said ‘hi, can I sit with you?’ I mean I got vibes first that I thought it would be possible, and there I met Tamara who is from Australia, just left London (we shared we don’t like living in London tales) and hit it off. She’s on her way back to Oz on Tuesday but she introduced me to Justine who lives here and another friendship is born. Got a few ‘let’s go out for a drink buddies’. Not bad for just over two weeks here.

It’s all good and positive vibes but it’s knackering too. I spend most of my time out of the house. It’s just what I like doing here. Being out and about but at some point comes a crash because it is just knackering. Singing wise I’ve been doing lots of volunteering as that’s all I can do here. I have to do everything on a voluntary basis which is nice actually because it means I am choosing to do it and money doesn’t even come into the equation. I sang in a hospital in an in patients mental health ward (I’m going back too) and met Simon a complete opera expert (seriously knows way more than me) who sends me emails with lists of things to listen to, and I went to do a workshop with some children in Kindergarten in Brooklyn.

They were great and such lovely energy. I’ll be doing some Summer schools in a school in Tribeca too. Looking forward to it. I sang for one soup kitchen and then that led to setting up singing at a Senior Center (as they call them here) and also to another church who does meals for the homeless on Monday nights so I went there, chatted to the other musician who was on that night, got the details of who to contact and then ended up staying to serve the guests. I was there so may as well do something. Listen to this story though. I’m serving and chatting to some of the people eating and other volunteers. Later on in the night an older lady calls me over. She says ‘Are you a servant?’ I was like, ‘errrr what is she talking about?’ ‘Are you a servant?’ She is German so I wasn’t sure if there was a miscommunication in language so I said ‘I am a servant tonight but I am an opera singer’. Her face lit up and she said ‘oooooooh, I heard an opera singer last year. A lady from London came to sing at my church and then she gave me her cd etc…….’. Then the penny dropped. I recognised this woman. IT WAS ME!!!! It was when I sang for Marianne Williamson last year in November. I met this lady, chatted to her and gave her my CD. I was like ‘no way, what are the chances in the whole of new York to bump into this lady?’ There are just loads of little coincidences like that happening. I was pretty blown away by that.

When I first arrived I was out every day looking for opportunities on a mission and I’ve realised over the past few weeks that it’s what I’ve done my whole life. Forced and pushed out of fear and it’s like my gut has been saying ‘you don’t need to.’ Going from ‘making things happen’ to ‘allowing things to happen’ is not easy for me. I end up thinking ‘nothing is going to happen if I don’t make it happen’, but when coincidences like this happen it’s confirmation for me from the universe that I just need to show up and be here and follow the lead.

I’ve also been listening a lot to the HayHouse world summit, where the words I need to hear to help me with what I am doing are spoken, so I don’t stick in fear and worry but stay in ‘enjoying being here’. It’s a very strange feeling too. I don’t feel great about it all the time. I contacted the lawyers to start a visa process and they asked for press releases and info on what I’ve done etc….and then told me they don’t think I have enough to begin a visa process and I’m like ‘nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo’, and then get online and go back to anything I’ve ever done and send a load more info through. We are going to chat on Tuesday. I can’t take ‘no’ as an answer because my American dream cannot be over. I at least want to try because if I don’t try I will never know. The feeling in my gut is soooooooo strong that my future is here that I have to do this. Then I start to think ‘this is just crazy. I mean what am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING? I’m here, building a life up but I don’t live here. I have nothing really set up back home so it’s not like I just go home and forget about the whole thing. I’m living in a no man’s kind of life. No rug under my feet anywhere. Then I start to get a bit down. I speak to others who live here and they go on about how much money you need and then I think again ‘WHAT AM I DOING?’

Then I go to comedy, meet new girlies, have a few drinks and forget about it all for a while. I’m here now, I’m doing it and I just don’t care what happens at that moment. If I go home, I go home, if I stay here, I stay here. I’m tired of caring about it sometimes. Let the universe just sort it all out. I’m tired of thinking about it and fighting, fighting all the time. Other people get jobs here and their companies sort out visas etc……it’s like I always choose the hardest and most stressful path that I have to work for etc…….and I’m still scrabbling around at the bottom of the pile trying to make this ‘singing thingy’ work and when someone passes me this I know it’s all worth while….

I have been offered a part time teaching job for September at The New York Conservatory of Music. It’s a private school, but it’s whether I can find a way in. The artists visa is for singing and not so much for teaching. Like I say, I will just see. I do my best every day. If it doesn’t want to happen then at least I tried.

I’ve also been scammed too. Jim, the agent I spoke to in November told me he would take me on, start a visa process and send me to auditions etc…..he talked the talk, his website looked good, he knew what he was talking about, he asked for some money to get going so I gave it to him. We kept in touch and I sent him videos and more info about me etc….but nothing happened. Ok, I had to push it and push and he was pissing me off but I thought when I am out here it’s going to be easier. OMG. This guy is so full of shit it’s untrue and the penny has finally dropped that he’s been conning me all along. The final straw was Wednesday when we were meant to meet and he cancelled me at the last minute telling me he was ‘going upstate to see Senator someone or other who was going to give him info on a visa for me’. Right, ok, we need to use lawyers. ‘No we don’t he says.’ I just said ‘Jim, I don’t want to work with you, don’t like you, you have scammed me, give me my money back etc……it was not a friendly email. NOTHING!!!

The next thing is he’s now in LA getting me a visa, just like that and that he’s going to invoice me for his work. OKKKKKKK!!!! Like I believe that. Give me my money back first. Even though I said all I said and I’m on to him he STILL carries on. I’m not mad with myself for falling for it. I know that when you take from others it comes back to you. You don’t get away with anything but it’s actually laughable the stuff he is doing. I just wonder who else he is doing this too too. That’s not nice but I’ve learnt my lesson. This photo is for JIm…..

I could sit writing all day because there’s loads more to say but it’s way too long already. I move into my sublet in less than two weeks. I’m glad. I don’t mind where I am but I feel I am being checked up on and have to sing in the garden because the other housemate doesn’t want me to make nice until 12 so she can lie in. The owners are complete germaphobes (even though there’s stuff everywhere) and I tiptoe around making sure I don’t get any grief about anything. I’ll be glad when I have some independence back.

There are times here I just love it. I love being here, I love building a life whilst I’m here, I love that it’s so easy to meet people and that I feel content here. I love seeing crazy stuff every day around me. I love that the subway runs all night. I love living in Brooklyn, and I love the ‘that’s the real shit, that’s the good shit’ kind of conversations I hear around me. I don’t love the uncertainty, and not knowing what I am doing and wondering if it will all work out, and then even if it does what will I do anyway? I don’t like those thoughts but it’s part of the journey. Good and bad.

And then I go to a paintbar (the idea of my friend Rachel), and just tell myself (my mate back home Claire says) ‘NONE OF IT MATTERS!’ None of it matters. The fact is I’m here now. I’m here now and I have enough now and opportunities are coming and I like it ‘NOW’. The rest I just don’t NEED to know……. oh and one last thing.

Chatted to my brother this week and he took my nephew to the skate park. He saw some Mary Poppins graffiti and overheard the lad saying to his mates that he’d heard a woman singing it in his school and he was auditioning for a part in the musical they were putting on. That made my day!!!!! Got for it lad……..

 

For more info on what I do follow me on Facebook and check out my website www.iamnicolamills.com