Hi Everyone. I’m having a bit of an epiphany. In a really good way. I’ve been working to change some of my patterns recently. I put a shit load of pressure on myself with my singing, and have been doing for years. I mean FOR YEARS. Ever since I took my first singing lesson. Before that too, with everything else. My whole life. I would have little burn outs as a child from the constant trying. Little miss good girl perfect, and I just can’t sustain it any longer. Enough is enough. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve been becoming really aware of the little prison I’ve set up for myself that keeps me in a state of stress where fun is not in the equation. Right, so for me singing has been everything to me. It saved me as a child.

Thank you singing. It helped me to survive. Thank you singing. It has given me such an interesting life. Thank you singing. I have met so many lovely people through it. Thank you singing. I have travelled so much because of it. Thank you singing. I have done my heart work for people and stood in front of people doing what I love. Thank you singing. So much to be grateful for from it, but the continual pressure has taken its toll on me mentally. This year has highlighted it. Starting again from scratch, with nothing in the diary. Putting myself out there. Struggling to get it out there to people. Singing for small audiences. Worrying about finances. Taking risks by hiring venues and then doing EVERYTHING (I mean having to do everything for marketing, organising etc…) when really I just want to do the bit I am really good at, which is to sing. I don’t want all these worries piling up in my effort to make it all work. I’ve been doing this to myself for years. Making it work. Surviving. Like my life has depended on it. No more. I honestly know if I take this pressure off myself I will open the floodgates to so much more, and not me controlling every step in an effort to always ‘make’ it work. I shouldn’t have to ’make’ it work.

I just don’t care. Fuck it. Literally fuck it. I’m smiling as I write this. I feel good. It’s like taking a heavy rucksack off my back that I have been carrying for years. Bye rucksack. See ya. I no longer need you. I love what I do. How many people can say that their work is something they want to do? That if money wasn’t involved they would do it anyway? I don’t love my prison though, so I’m setting myself free. I checked how many tickets I had sold for my events yesterday. I felt disheartened. Not in a sad way. Just in a ‘this is my reality’ way. For my first ‘A Spoonful of Julie’ at The Barlow, Edgworth on May 7th, I can afford to pay my pianist and the venue but there’s nothing left in the pot if I don’t sell anymore tickets. I’ve printed flyers and been to put them through doors, and spent time rehearsing and paying for rehearsal rooms. Me and Jon my fella (who is doing the sound and lighting) will get nothing. I’ve done most of my Village Hall concerts in the Yorkshire Dales now (I will be organising more), and with the average audience being around 15 people I can’t make enough of a living from that. It’s a good job that Craven council gave me some money to cover my costs so what I did make on the night I could actually have as earnings (the council covered all my expenses). I am not moaning at all here. I’m just saying, and in the past this would have put me in a huge state of stress, but I just don’t fucking care. The whole point of my blog. Fuck it. I can’t keep caring like I have been doing. It’s a state of fear that things won’t work out. If they don’t, they don’t. If enough people don’t come to watch what I do, then there isn’t a need for what I do. Simple as that, and it will end, and I will go and do something else. This year is make or break. I decided that at the beginning of the year. It either starts to work or it doesn’t, and to be totally honest, when I just let go and surrendered to all this, I felt lighter, and I feel happier. No more pressure. I can actually have some fun now. It doesn’t matter if I sing or not. If it works or doesn’t, and I’m letting go of the outcome.

I’ve told every man and his dog who I have sang for in Halifax about my two shows (May 14th, Opera for the People at The Wellington Rooms, ‘me Julie’ show at The Halifax Playhouse on June 25th), and I can’t do anymore. Liz Kenny from The Skircoat Directory has featured me in their edition this month for nothing (massively grateful), and I just do me from now on.

There’s stuff in my diary and I just keep going. Tickets are on sale now for my Todmorden date for ‘A Spoonful of Julie’. I need to get the link put on my website but it’s on eventbrite at https://www.eventbrite.com/myevent?eid=325735773467 ,and Joanne will be selling tickets on the cheese stall in the inside market (once I get the tickets to her).

I’m going to be applying to Help Musicians too as they are giving grants for help with musicians who want to set up tours. It will help to support me as I work on building up more momentum, and allow me to have the security to contact venues and set up a tour being able to pay myself along the way too, so it would be good to be offered something but I will take my time filling it in. Make sure I do what I can with it and not rush it.

I’m also working two nights a week with All Saints Amateur Dramatics Group on ‘My Fair Lady’ which I am loving. They are a really lovely group of people to work with and the time just flies when I am there.

Things are going great with my lovely fella Jon. What an absolutely beautiful man he is. From the inside out. I’m enjoying building my bond with him and loving what we have together. We went wild camping over Easter. Loved it. Cooking on an open fire, chatting around the fire, swimming in Aysgarth Falls. We are 6 months in and I really feel I’ve met someone I want to be a team with. He’s introducing me to so many things I haven’t done before.

He’s been there for me at all my concerts so far (apart from my first one). I’ve loved singing in the village halls. Bringing ‘Opera’ really to the people, where they are. I’ve got great comments in my book too.

I go to create community and connect with people. I truly love that I can do this. I’m not a big operation that has lost contact with ‘its people’. I’m a small independent business making sure when I have contact with my customers that they are made to feel special, loved, appreciated and valued. I’ll be singing in Hellifield Village Hall on Saturday. Jon’s mum and dad will be there so it’s their first time they will hear me sing. Looking forward to it.

Now I feel myself letting go, it feels easy to say ‘I’m looking forward to it’. It doesn’t have the extra gumph I have been putting on it for years. I genuinely am looking forward to it. Same with my first Julie show. I’m going to go on the stage and just be me. Fuck it. Let go, and just have fun with it. Before I would hammer to myself that it has to be perfect so I have to work and work. I’m not that singer. I can’t waltz in in a ballgown putting a front on. You’ll get ‘real’ all the way with me.

I want a simpler life. I want to smile more. I don’t want the ‘heaviness’ of my mission around me all the time. I want to walk in nature, connect with myself, forage and potter (I made wild garlic pesto and butter this week, cherry blossom jam, and dandelion honey).

If it was up to me I’d live ‘out of it’ in a caravan on some land growing my own veggies. Do my singing and then be in nature. I’ve changed a lot. I don’t even recognise the person I was a few years ago, pulsing off the vibes of a city.

I’m reading Julie’s book again. Swotting up a bit. She worked really hard too. It was certainly not all plain sailing, and the sheer ‘ohhh really’ I felt when I found out that ‘The Sound of Music’ was mostly filmed in LA. What?????? Mostly done in the studio apart from the outdoor scenes. Still my favourite film though. How many people go to work singing ‘The Sound of Music’ and ‘Mary Poppins’? I do…….putting my hand up there. If you fancy singing along a bit yourselves then come to my show. All details on my website at http://www.iamnicolamills.com AT LEAST I’M GOING FOR IT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS…