I don’t know where to start tonight. I have a night alone which is really needed. I love my alone time. When I go out singing for people I’m all switched ‘on’, and I love coming home to be introverted and spend time alone. I’ll be moving into my new apartment over the next few weeks so I’m looking forward to that, even though I’ve been really happy where I am living now. I’m really looking forward to having my own space again.

I’m loving what I am doing now. Loving that people keep asking me to sing for them. I didn’t imagine that it would still be going but as long as people keep asking me, I will carry on. I’m pretty busy now until August 23rd. I have to watch it though. I need to make sure I get time to recharge and rest. I know it seems like I’m not doing much, but it takes it out of me doing my concerts and I can feel myself feeling a bit knackered and not having enough down time to rest and get my energy levels back up, so I have to watch that. I sang two places today (for a birthday and on the street for about 60 people), and tomorrow I’m singing for a lady who has recently come out of hospital. I sang in Heptonstall for a lady and her family for her 97th birthday who loves opera, and I sang for a block of flats organised by OPWC (no idea what that actually means but they did a great job for people).

It’s week after week, the same kind of thing. Sing and share my stories. People who are ill, or are about to go into hospital, or people and their neighbours, people in old folks homes, people who just want some time out from all this stuff going on, people who have hardly left the house in the last few months, people who just need some ‘live’ music. People who never dream of watching anything like I do if the circumstances weren’t different. Ha ha.

I even had one guy totally moaning about me on Facebook. Triggering him big time. Saying that I am mentally ill and this is one of the most narcissistic things he’s ever seen, warbling outside people’s houses who maybe would rather tell me to ‘fuck off’. Pretty harsh, and it triggered me for a while. Everyone has their story. Mine was that I never had a voice in my family as a child and I always felt I was a pain and in the way. I was never allowed to be who I was and would be criticised and laughed at, so when someone says that it triggers me. Takes me right back. I would say one of the hardest things about what I do now is that I am going to people, where some may never have heard the kind of thing I do. Definitely not ‘live’ and it may not be something they particularly enjoy or choose to listen to, but we are all in this situation, and my job is to find a way to connect and make it work for everyone I sing to. I have to stand and work people out and sometimes I am shitting my pants too. I have people in front of me who I would never normally sing for. I am vulnerable too. I never claim to have it all together. I am scared of rejection too. I have to lay my heart and soul out on the table every time I sing, and lay myself bare for whatever people think, and in my eyes that takes courage. How much would I like it to be that I’m singing in a theatre with my name on things, with a place full of people who are paying to see me knowing what they are getting, taking that fear away from me, but right now I’m literally singing for anyone, and that makes me feel vulnerable at times. Will people like it?

So basically this guy saying that bugged me for a few hours, and then I thought ‘if you knew my story you would soon change your tune’. I’ll leave it with him. We all have a choice what vibes we want to put out into the world.
I fought to sing. I fought with everything I had to make it work. Doing shitty jobs, paying for every single lesson I had myself, travelling here, there and everywhere to get work, continually putting myself through endless rejections and criticism, never thinking I was good enough, spending all the money I had on learning the next thing in my effort to keep up, sacrificing any kind of ‘normal’ life to follow my dream, having virtually no support from my family when growing up and knowing I was on my own taking myself to the music centre, no one ever really coming to watch me sing or play in the concerts I did, teachers telling me I would never be good enough, my parents telling me I would never be good enough, crying on a packed bus, crying after not getting opportunities I so wanted to do and be chosen for, times where I just wanted to give up and never sing another note, singing on the street for the first time in chronic pain and absolutely terrified, facing fear after fear to find my own voice and way of doing things, the agents who have taken my money and messed me around and done nothing, the fake shit that goes on in this profession. So that guy can just carry on moaning and I’ll just carry on singing. I fought to sing with everything I had and for him to come out with that, is an insult. A friend showed me a video of Snoop Dogg doing a thanks speech to himself and we both loved it. Celebrating ourselves.

I want to thank me for working hard and never giving up and fighting for myself. No matter what is thrown at me I will pick myself up time and time again, and I will rise higher each time.
Me and my voice are a team. We are a package. I am in service to others and that’s how it will continue to be. This time has changed me. There are so many things I no longer care about that used to matter to me. Striving and trying to achieve something. It just makes me feel sick to go back to that, and I won’t be. I’m just going to keep being the person I want to be, and keep giving and sharing and helping others. Then it will be whatever wants to come out of that. Singing for me is my way of showing ‘love’ to the world. Every time I stand in front of an audience, my life is about them.

I was also thinking the other day how when we have love and support we blossom. The fact that people are asking me to sing and supporting me is really helping me to blossom on the inside. I can feel it. My confidence is growing.

People are showering me with gifts too. I always have some nice flowers now, I still get my cheese for not very much, I got given some homemade elderflower champagne and raspberry jam, and someone even offered me a weekend away in their holiday rental in Wales because I am singing for people. It’s near the beach so I’m going to go at the end of September. I love the sea. One of my favourite things to sit by and listen to so I can’t wait to take a picnic and enjoy sitting by it. My life has become enriched, and it’s not in the financial way. True riches. I reckon there’ll come a point when I can start sending out my demo again for my Julie Andrews show. No idea yet when that will be. We are still pretty much at a stand still.

I’m doing a Summer Studios linked to The Sage, Gateshead the first week in August so I’ll be working on my show then and getting some advice and help with how to take it forward.
I also want to add some new songs to my list and work on them, and I’m thinking of changing myself from ‘Opera for the People’ to ‘Soprano for the People’. I no longer really feel like an opera singer. I’m classically trained and sing songs for people. I’m also thinking of doing a ‘carpool opera karaoke’ in someone’s car whilst they drive around. Maybe a Facebook live thing. No idea yet. Just for some fun, and I also chatted to a local radio station about doing a classical slot on there. I would really love to do that, so I’m waiting to hear to see if that will happen. Never done anything like that but I would like to chat and share music with people where I’m not the one involved in performing it.

One of the things I love is seeing people coming together again. They come out of their homes, sit together, chat and smile and that makes my heart happy. We’ve been shoved in our homes and been told to disconnect but we need connection so very much. It matters. It’s also my birthday on the 15th so I’ll be keeping my birthday tradition going and having champagne and chips and peas from the chippy, after singing at an afternoon tea for the Rotary club. I thought I would be in NY this year, where I would have gone to the beach to sit in the blazing sun (boo hoo get your violins out). I’ll just have to make do with shitty English weather instead. For more info check out my website at http://www.iamnicolamills.com and find me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/iamnicolamills Call me on 07838360195 if you would like me to sing somewhere for you.