It’s late on Sunday night and I never got to write my blog earlier this weekend. I was just too busy, so I’m sat in bed with a glass of wine in hand writing this. I’ve been sitting on the rooftop every evening (I get a great view of the Manhattan skyline but photos don’t do it justice)

just to calm down after the noise of Manhattan and tonight I sat and just cried. One minute I was fine and the next I was crying ( I just started again as I’m now writing this). I have to say goodbye to all the people I’ve built a life here with. The homeless people I see on Monday’s, the people and other musicians in Central Park,

my friends, and the whole energetic vibe of New York that has become a big part of who I am, and why I love this city so much. I just can’t stop crying, because this is where I want to be. My heart is here. I’ve finally found the place I want to be and I can’t stay here. I’ve blossomed here. It’s like being in a relationship with someone and you feel yourself grow and blossom. My Canadian friend was over for a few days and he saw me singing in Central Park and said ‘you’ve really opened up Nick and become much more expressive and from the heart and more giving of yourself’.

He says I radiate more and it comes out. He says I’m living it more. I feel it myself. I just let rip when I sing and something has changed. A part of me just stands in this power I feel inside and just goes for it. There’s so much fake stuff around us and I just need to be real and use my voice as my power (still crying in between writing this). I’ve truly felt happy in New York and I’m proud of what I’ve done here. That I had the courage to do it and get rid of everything and just come here not knowing what was ahead.

I KNOW my future is in the US. I feel it with every fibre of my being. I see it and feel it and imagine it and know this is where I will be, but until it shows up in my life I have to go back to the UK and carry on. Just know that I am doing my part and the universe will do its part too and I can’t force or push or make it happen anymore than I am doing.

I’m not saying I will find it hard back in the UK. Not at all. I’ll just get back into it but my heart is here. It’s been here ever since my first visit in 2016 when I sat in Union Sq and had a ‘ding’ moment where I said ‘this is where I will live in the future’.

I’ve done my singing on the streets and in Central Park and this last week I sang for ‘Music for the Mind’.

It was organised by a Senior community Center I’ve sang for 3 times and they did an outside event on the Lower East side, bringing people from the local community together. Supporting people with mental health issues. We’ve all got mental health issues of some kind but just having someone to share things with and a sense of community and support helps, and that’s what this is event was all about.

Now it’s the morning after and part of me is like ‘gosh, I really did cry and should I write that in my blog now that I don’t feel as vulnerable’, but it was real last night and I was upset and I always think with crying ‘better out than in’. I wanted to sing for the lady who is organising the cabaret convention later in the year and I went to see her show on Saturday. Just knew I had to play the game and show my face a bit (the side of it all I don’t really like because it’s me being fake), and she got back to me today to confirm a time telling me what the pianist charges and that she will waive her fee. All I wanted to do was sing for her and it becomes her wanting to give me a lesson, which I never asked for. It is what it is but this stuff bugs me and why I step away from the ‘profession’ as such. Back to reality, but I do want to do this later in the year so I have to know that at times I have to play the game. Right now I have nothing to hold onto to get me back in and I would love something to just be clearer about it all, instead of just saying over and over again ‘my gut instinct and intuition know I will be here in the future’.

I also sang in my old housemates art presentation yesterday. He moved here from Kansas about a year ago and I lived with him for the second half of my stay in October and November last year in Flatbush. We always had some really good and deep chats which I appreciated. He is also following his heart and works as a model, actor and artist. It’s taken up to a year to get some things going for himself here and we talked about persevering and not giving up (he was working full time at the container store), and things are getting going for him. It all just takes time and just never stepping away from what you want. He did a show about a mirror being carried up a cool staircase and all the different ways it made everything look through the mirror. I saw some of the photos and he wanted me to sing all the way up staircase (which had six floors), so I improvised and made something up. It was fun. Atmospheric. I’m looking forward to getting some of the photos so I see what it actually looked like to people. It is one of the things I like about here. It’s a loony bin of expression.

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Everywhere you go people are showing their thing and who they are and speaking their truth, and I really appreciate it for that.

It’s about tying things up here now. Seeing people for the last time (for now). I’ll be saying goodbye to people at the soup kitchen later, I want to see ‘My Fair Lady’ tomorrow and I’ll be singing in Central Park one more time plus at Sirovich again on Thursday for the people there. It’s been an amazing trip this time. I am so pleased and proud that I have done everything I have done in the last 18 months. Going on the road with my suitcase and rucksack and staying in 54 different places has enriched me in ways I never imagined. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of everything but there’s absolutely no way I am the same person I was when I left London at the end of January 2018. There’s no question that I’ll be back and I just carry on where I left off in the UK. I have gigs

and work waiting for me there and it amazes me when I get a call to go and sing somewhere and they say ‘my friend told me about you 2 years ago and I kept your card’. No matter where I go I just keep planting my seeds and singing my heart out for people and I need to get my Julie Andrews show up and running.

I know just what I want now and how I want to do it so that’s clear in my head and I know someone who worked in theatre their whole career and is happy to help me put the musical arrangements together. He lives in Nice so maybe a little trip out there might be in order. The next thing will be then finding some venues to take it on and letting it start and grow. Exciting. I’m also recording a new cd when I get back too (Songs for the People). Let’s see where all this is going. Catch me in London, Scotland, Nottingham, Romiley, Birmingham and the North of England doing my thing. ‘So long farewell, auf wiedersehen adieu New York.’ I love ya and I love ya some more…..

For more info check my website out at www.iamnicolamills.com and follow me on Facebook at Nicola Mills Opera for the People.