Hi Everyone,

I’m just sat in the cooperative ‘run by the people’ pub waiting to go to the the spiritualist church in an hour and then I’m finally getting to see the film ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. I’ve got less than three weeks left in Hebden Bridge and I can say that I’ve really enjoyed my time here.

How I wanted it to be and what it’s actually been have been completely different. I knew I needed some time out but the plan was to get my arias ready for going back to America. I haven’t worked on them at all and in a rollercoaster ride of a way I’ve got to the point where I don’t really care. The last time I sang properly without having to think ‘is my voice ok’ was January 3rd and since then I’ve been in and out of action with a cough and laryngitis, keeping up with the gigs I had on, but not being quite right and playing catch up afterwards. Emotionally I’ve been here, there and everywhere with it.

It’s sent me on an inner journey I never expected and at times it’s been hard. Faced with my anxiety, need for control, lack of control, having to let go, not knowing what’s ahead and what to do next. Wanting to scream (but with laryngitis not the cleverest thing to do), wanting to keep pushing to make things happen. I’ve looked myself in the face and been given a big fat reality check, complete with a few little anxiety attacks along the way. It’s hard to look at yourself and see who you really are, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. I am on the inner journey. I’m being honest and real and I’m at the point now where I am just surrendering to what is with a big fat FUCK IT!!!!! There’s a huge fear that if I don’t do this, this and this how can I ever makes things happen? If my arias are not ready how can I move on? I’ve had pain in my body from it, with a fight of my heart and ego going on, the ego wanting to tell me all the negative and wanting me to function from fear, and the heart shining through saying ‘let go and trust. It’s all being taken care of’.

I am so used to being in survival panic ‘make sure I am ok’ mode that I have been forced to be honest with myself and just say ‘I cannot function like that anymore.’ I just can’t. It’s destroying me and taking a step back has made me see what I do to myself. Unhealthy fearful choices. It’s not how I wanted my time here to be but I am glad it’s been what it is. My arias are not ready. So what. I’ll do it when I can. I have no idea what to do next. So what. I have an audition for Opera North but because I haven’t been able to work on my stuff , I’m not putting myself through the stress of trying to do it half heartedly and lacking in confidence. So what (this was a biggie making the decision to take care of myself first because not doing an audition triggers every fear in me that things won’t happen if I don’t bust a gut and fight for every opportunity), but really it doesn’t matter. Maybe in letting go and actually not running on fear I will manifest things much easier anyway. Fancy that happening. I know what lights me up anyway. What I really want to do. I want to sing for ‘the people’, in my way and on my terms. I am good with people. I can communicate and bond with an audience.

Comment from an audience member after my gig on Friday on Facebook:

Well done this evening Nicola. Thank you for a truly moving Casta Diva! You have the gift to communicate! A rare gift at that!

This was a guy who’d recently spent six months conducting ‘Les Miserables’ in the West End (you never know who is sat in the audience). A part of me doesn’t want to be back on an opera stage. My heart sinks when I think of the striving to be seen in that world. Deep down it’s not what lights me up but I don’t want to close any doors and stop trying (am I just scared deep down?). I just want to keep going and see what happens. I was back singing in my home town at my friend Gemma’s cafe ‘Scona’. We’ve done a few events together and she has her own place now so we wanted to do an intimate evening for people. It was good for me to get back in the game. My voice wasn’t quite right so I was full of anxiety about it but once there and with real honesty with people (just say what’s going on and I’m doing my best), it went really well. I just didn’t push anything and actually came away learning that I don’t need to push to succeed. Tell the people my stories, sing my songs, make people feel special. Win win. That’s what I do.

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I also had an audition in Edinburgh for X Factor. I was spotted by someone in London so I thought ‘why not, absolutely nothing to lose’, so I rocked up to Edinburgh, did my thing, had a chat with them and now I’ve let it go. They’ll hear 100’s of people over the next few months so if it’s going to happen it will and if it isn’t then I’ll just be carrying on anyway. I used to live in Glasgow and would go through to Edinburgh quite a lot. I never got tired of seeing the castle so I rushed up there that night to see it lit up, got some chips from the chippy and had a good sing on The Royal Mile the day after.

No more holding onto things and attaching to outcomes. Just keep doing my thing and that’s all I can do. I don’t need to force and push. I just need to allow. It’s a happier place to be, so this next week is going to be just finally getting my voice fully back before I really get going again. There are a few big walks I want to do over the hills and in the woods so I’m pretty excited about that and a friend from school is visiting next weekend with her daughter, and I’m just going to enjoy my time in nature for a few weeks more.

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After that I’m away and back in big cities and I need to have a clearer and less fearful mind for this. I thought I would spend this time getting myself out meeting people and creating opportunities but it’s been time to retreat and recharge. Now I can see that has been the best thing. It’s a great place to live. The overall theme is kindness and community and you feel that in bucketloads. I have had hynotherapy sessions and massages for £20 a session, free energy healing sessions, so many ‘donate what you like’for food things, my £5 food meant for landfill box every week,

and I’ve lived alone just able to find my own rhythm. I’ve spent most of my time alone and not been lonely. I like my own company. I spent a long time needing affirmation from others but I don’t function like that anymore.

I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I am always open to learning. I’ve learnt a lot and I’m ready to carry on now, forever different on the inside. All I need to do is just keep putting one step infront of the other day after day….

For more info check out my website at www.iamnicolamills.com