All I’ve ever wanted since I got into singing at the age of 15 (once I knew it was what I really wanted to do a year later) is sing. I’ve never wanted anything else. When my dad told me to work in a bank, and he shouted me down saying I was not going to be a singer, and I shouted back at him that I was (a huge fight at the age of 18 when I had got a place at music college and it ended with me being smacked on the back with a dining chair), and I stood my ground. Nothing and nobody was going to stop me being a singer.

When you feel so strongly about something you fight for it, and you keep fighting, and that’s what I did and have been doing ever since. Except I no longer need to fight for it. All I knew was fight or flight and survival mode for years. I loved my time at The Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama because I was living in my world. That girl who had fallen in love with classical music listening to Beethoven’s fifth before I would sleep from the age of 15, and it filling my heart was out there learning to be a singer. Lovely and cosily institutionalised in a safe haven for a few years before I got out into the world.

I’ve always had a nervous disposition. I’ve never rocked up and thought ‘I’ve got this’ or been throwing myself on the stage, but I knew I wanted to sing. I was just too scared at first to go for it, so I settled for teaching and did that for 6 years with some local singing for people. You can’t run from your calling though. Eventually I knew I couldn’t carry on teaching and wanted to sing, so off I went to Glyndebourne and started singing there. 10 years of opera house work later and I was busking on the streets, trying to find my love of singing again, even more of a nervous wreck than I ever was. Perfectionism and competition in the profession had done a number on me, and I needed to find myself again.

Then it became ‘Opera for the People’. I’ve always had a feeling that there is more out there for me. I never wanted children, I’ve never wanted to go for a settled life buying a house and putting my money into stuff and things. I sacrificed everything to sing and put everything back into what I knew I was here to do. Not just financially, but emotionally and physically. I took huge risks knowing that my soul was saying ‘do it because you know it’s the right thing to do’, so I did. I learnt to trust that inner voice knowing it was sending me on my true path. At times it’s been hard and I’ve cried and wondered what I’m doing, but the inner voice just says ‘nothing to worry about’. So I’ve stopped worrying and I’ve stopped fighting for it, and I know if I stand in my true power when I sing that there is nothing to worry about.

I don’t go for the profession like the profession wants us to. To push and force and to play a game and to say the right things, and to chase money to have stuff that I know I don’t really need or want. I chase the calling I have, and I follow that. 2022 was the hardest year for me. Starting again from scratch nearly did me in mentally but step by step I’ve got more and more in my own lane. Being in your own lane is the best place to be. It’s a place to be true to yourself and to connect to your inner self and to think about your place in the world.

I know since lockdown I’ve understood my place in the world more and more. I learnt from lockdown essentially who I was from the way I did things then, and to go out and connect to people, share my story and to sing. My job is to inspire and uplift, so I spend my time making sure that when I get in front of an audience I can do that. I retreat a lot, shut up, rest my voice, focus on good food and keep myself in check energetically. I’m not the best when I’m stressed and tired and the old anxious side of me comes out, and I start to doubt myself and start worrying again, so I do what I can to rest too. Lots of walks with my dog too. I’ve had to be tough my whole life and that tough version of me now wants to soften and trust and become more feminine.

What matters to me is to connect with my audiences. I sing the same songs over and over again which would send some people doolally, but it’s the connection to people that makes it work for me. I’ve done so much singing in care homes recently for ‘Lost Chord’ and sang at The Piece Hall, Halifax on Mother’s Day, and Buddy my dog made his debut in Rastrick, having a good look on stage to see what was going on, ready to lie down and choose something from the Song Menu himself. At the time I was mortified. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong in that gig and I was ready for the ground to swallow me up, but when I look back at the video it was funny, and definitely not what I was thinking in my head at that time. I’m used to trying to be perfect, but Buddy made it funny. I think people preferred him to me. I wish he could have rocked an opera aria out too, and given me a break. We’d have work for years. Watch Buddy make his debut here.

https://fb.watch/rntNUDYNMr/

I’m getting busier but I feel like I’m still just ‘ticking’ along. Waiting. And then let’s wait some more. And then add a bit more waiting for things to really get going. There are times I feel really frustrated knowing what I’m here to do and wondering why I’m not busier, but it all takes time. I can’t rely on anyone in the profession. It just seems never to work for me. I’ve had to do it myself, and by being myself and doing it myself my name gets passed on. Most of the work I am generating for myself has come from word of mouth. I don’t have enough of a following yet to fill venues so they are not yet interested, so I need the people to pass my name on and help me create opportunities and build a name.
Last year I did some rural touring in Kilburn, Yorkshire. A tiny little village where I got a warm reception but was told the word ‘Opera’ made it hard to sell to people. Nancy was there though and she passed my name on to the WI Spring Annual conference people. Since then Nancy has been to see me 5 times which to be honest blows me away because I think ‘are you not sick of it yet?’ Yesterday I was in Scarborough singing for 500 women at an WI conference, and it was wonderful (their motto is ‘Inspiring Women’). I felt excited more than nervous when I was up there and it gave me another chance to share my story too, and to have the courage to keep saying more. I know what I do works, and I know it connects with people. I got a standing ovation and my table of cards, cd’s and flyers got stripped which was great, and I chatted to so many ladies who wanted to share their own stories too. I’m still flying high from being there. It’s all about the people and when I get comments like this I know I’ve done my thing.

Please let some more opportunities come from this. I’m ready and waiting. Nothing makes me happier than singing for people. That’s what I came to this lifetime to do.
So I’m in Boltby tomorrow night and Holmfirth on Saturday. Back on the radio on Sunday (it may be me on my own again as Jon (my fella) is still not well. Sharing my love and passion for music in my own down to earth way from 4pm until 6pm (every other Sunday). http://www.phoenixfm.co.uk

Check out my other events on http://www.iamnicolamills.com At least I know whatever happens I am true to myself and give my heart to people. No one can argue with that. I can see how all the experiences of my life matter and come together like jigsaw pieces getting you on your path. For me it’s not about money. Kate Bottley from Gogglebox (the reverend) was the speaker in the afternoon yesterday for the WI and was really funny and full of life. She said she’d been with many people when they were leaving this lifetime and said ‘noone cares about money’ or ‘wishes their skirting boards had been cleaner’ and noone cares ‘how big your bum is’. It’s what we do and how we make others feel that matter. I’m playing my part, and thank god noone cares how big your bum is. Phew for that! Your mission is much more important, and send Jon some love because he really is not well and I want my lovely fella by my side again.