I wrote this blog late last night and woke up feeling totally different about things. The last few weeks have felt like being in a storm but it’s passed and I can see things more clearly now. I’m on the right path, I’m being true to myself and there’s no need to worry. I just need to keep softening more into my heart. I’ve never been in a position to not have enough. I don’t want to rewrite this blog but I want to say things do pass and storms do come, but out of the other side of it the gifts and lessons appear and we feel better. This is what I wrote last night:

It’s late Sunday night and I’m feeling restless and not ready to sleep. I am a night owl and can just feel like I want to work when others want to sleep. Jon’s gone to bed. These past few weeks have felt like being on a flight with turbulence the whole time. A continual bumpy ride, and there are times I’ve struggled to mentally cope with the constant ups and downs of being a singer. I’ve just felt tired of it. Today is the first day I’ve felt ok all week.

It’s the constant battle to just keep it going. The singing part I love. There’s no issue with that. I’ve been busy since March and have done lots of rural touring which I’ve really enjoyed. It’s nice to sing in Village Halls and meet communities and people working together to bring people together where they live. I hope I do more of it. I contacted 4 other rural touring organisations around the UK this week but haven’t heard back from any of them. I also contacted the Yorkshire Children’s Charity as they are doing a Proms and raising money to help children who are from abusive homes or homes where families are struggling. I called them and said that my story is the children they help and I know how that is, and because someone gave me singing lessons it changed my life. I wanted to get involved either in concerts or working with children. I know that background. The woman on the phone seemed really keen but I haven’t heard anything back. Knocking on lots of doors when none of them open.

I’m doing my Julie show ‘A Spoonful of Julie’ at The Circle in Bacup on June 10th, so I’m contacting people to sell tickets for it. So far I’ve sold 8. I’ve called local choirs, organisations, posted on about 10 facebook pages, chatted to people, put flyers in The Circle, they’ve posted on Facebook too.

I cancelled a concert in The Yorkshire Dales yesterday as I’d sold no tickets. I’ve been twice before and it’s gone really well. Someone got in touch the day before saying they were looking forward to coming, so I had to say it’s not going ahead. He told me that he knew quite a few people who were going to pay on the door, but noone had contacted me, so I need to learn from that and make sure people contact me to let me know they plan to come. To be honest I enjoyed having a weekend free. Get off the rollercoaster ride for a few days. Time out. This was me yesterday.

I think the thing that is causing me the stress are the events I organise myself. I’m not going to do it anymore. The stress is not worth it. I would just be better staying at home for the night and not waking up in the middle of night worrying about what I can do to get people in. I was in the woods at the back at 5.30am one day because I woke up and knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep, wanting to just cancel it. Easier. I won’t. I just feel like this at times. It’s normal. Let’s all start talking about our anxieties and worries. Last year I spent the whole year organising stuff because I had to, but this year I don’t have to. Every time I do now it is like pushing a boulder up a hill, and it just makes me really unhappy to struggle to have an audience when I know what I do is good. It makes me feel really shit. It shouldn’t be this hard to get people to come and watch a show that costs £15 or £10. I’ve bust a gut and worked so hard over the years and there’ll come a point where my energy just can’t do it anymore. I’ve got to be ok. It’s beautiful in the woods at the back of me. They keep me sane.

We all have this pressure to seem like everything is ok. Let’s give off how well we are all doing and how happy we are. I wish we could be more real with each other. Not just do fake on social media. I love what I do, but I don’t love all the shit that comes with it. It’s soul destroying at times. I’ve cried and cried over the years at times. The devotion it takes to do what I do and the cost in every way (financially, emotionally, personally, spiritually), it takes someone with a steely determination to put up with it. I usually always give off a ‘oh well, it’s shit at times but I love what I do, and here’s all the good stuff I’m doing, it’s all going so well vibe’ but at times I would rather just be at home and not even be bothering to try anymore. I’ve also just read this back and as I read it none of it feels that bad really. It’s just like that moment you say I’m not ok and acknowledge it and then it passes and everything is ok again. That’s what it feels like. I just need to say it. Nobody said it would be easy.

I think I just need to surrender and just let anything that comes at me go right over my head. I know and have known for years I will weather any storms thrown at me, and will always carry on. It is my passion and it is my life, so any knocks are just that. Knocks. I would just like at some point to feel like it’s not bumpy and I can just enjoy the ride and not have to fight to do what I do. Just give me a smooth flight please for fucking once. To be honest, I’m bothered that it bothers me so much. If I just let go and chill nothing would be different except what’s going on in my head. There would be no struggle.

I’m glad I spoke out though. From me saying I was struggling (I posted that post on Facebook and questioned myself for showing I wasn’t ok, but I’m glad I did), I’m now going to Crete in July to sing. A lady got in touch and said her sister had heard me in Worsley in February and had told her all about me, and she runs a cultural ladies organisation in Crete, so it’s all booked. Jon is coming too. Let’s enjoy this amazing opportunity that has come my way. Please bring more of them. I’ll be over in Belgium too in September. Nice to be going back there too. My friend from Canada will be there too. Happy days with that. Let’s get this singing party started. I’ve done lots of rural touring to lovely little communities and been given lovely warm welcomes and I thank all these people for being part of my story. I’ve got some top comments in my book. One lady came to me in Armathwaite and said it was the best night she’d had in years. Another went to Jon at the end of singing in Hepscott last weekend and said ‘she is precious and the gift is herself. There is noone else like her’. That’s how we all are really. Precious gifts to each other, but I know what she means too. I’m real and authentic about what I do and it comes from my heart.

I’ve sang for lots of children too. A hall full of them in Grassington. Kids are great. I love that I’ve done opera for them and made it something that is music to be enjoyed just like all other stuff. I’m going into another school too soon so spend a day working with primary children. It’s such a good and inspiring thing to do. I go for 3 hours a week too to a secondary school. On a Wednesday. Sometimes I feel like a rubbish teacher because I was always shown the things that were wrong and how I could improve songs I sang, and with these kids I just work on letting them find themselves and finding their fun with singing and building up their confidence. I think it’s the best way to start with them. Once they see the fun in it I can start to help them to find ways to become better singers, but it’s very different to how I did things. Let’s take the pressure off and find the fun.

I have had lots of opportunities this year and I’ve got lots more in my diary. It’s not like I’m not getting work and chances to sing for people. There are lots. I have to really pace myself this week now as I’m singing full on most of the week, so it’s making sure I can do it all. I have stuff in my diary for next year too. Jon reminds me that this time last year I was in a very different place to now so things are going in the right direction. I think I’ve just reached mental limits about how to cope with the ups and downs. I had some work cancelled this week too for July. I did turn someone else down for that weekend so now I’m left with nothing for that weekend. I’m going to enjoy the time off when I have it now. Not care as much. I liked this when I saw it this week.

I’ve submitted a ‘Sing a song of Julie’ proposal this week for Skipton Town Hall to do some singing workshops so fingers crossed that will work out. Get more people singing Julie too. There was one guy last week in Amble who told me he watched The Sound of Music for years with his mother (who was called Maria), and since she’d died he hadn’t been able to watch it as it was too upsetting for him, and he said he was going to give it a chance again now. I hear all kinds of stories from people. I love that side of it.

I know what I am doing is different. Since I stood busking that first time in 2014 my life went in a new direction. I don’t know anybody else who does what I do. I’m not trying to become something I’m not and creating an act. I get infront of people and show them the real me, and I sing from my heart and I really want to connect with every audience I sing to. Sometimes it’s scary to show people who you are, because it puts me in a vulnerable position but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The happiness I get from that side of it is off the scale, when people come to me at the end and chat to me and I know the energy in the room is different, and people leave higher than when they came in. I know my role on a spiritual level. I know what I’m here to do. It’s the fight I can’t do anymore. I hope more people come to The Circle on June 10th, and it honestly doesn’t matter if they don’t. Not pushing anymore. It’s a great venue and my show is a good show too. There isn’t another one like it. It’s original. After that I have an ‘Opera for the People’ event at Holmfirth Civic Hall in November that I have put on myself, and then that’s it. No more doing it myself. I get others to give me work or I don’t bother. Either someone comes along to help me, as I am at the point now where I would love a manager. I cannot do it on my own anymore. I need help.

If not I’ll be out in nature, and foraging. I’ve made dandelion honey, nettle and onion bhajis recently and lots with wild garlic. I make all my own bread, perfumes, soaps, and love being out and about in nature with my dog. Jon and Ted too. Ted was on the radio show with us today too. He was great. Buddy comes too. They all go swimming in the river at the back too, and I’ll join them when it gets a bit warmer.

Shoes and socks off and lots of grounding to the earth too. We were at the allotment too today. I was getting excited about everything starting to grow. That’s my world. Doing the things that fill me with energy. I’ll just cut out the things that take it away and get me out of balance. I’m learning all the time. There’s an owl cooing outside and Jon snoring upstairs. It’s a pain at times. Jon, not the owl. We’ve been together now for 18 months. I honestly love him. Ups and downs there too. How life is.
It’s after midnight now. I’ll post this on Facebook tomorrow. If you want to support what I do and come to a show all the info is on my website at http://www.iamnicolamills.com

See you there.