It has not been an easy few weeks. OMG, it’s been like being dragged through a hedge backwards and I’m just coming out of it the other end, realising that it was me all along. Meeeeeeee. The stress in my head. The anxiety has been building up and building up. Fear. I honestly thought I wasn’t a fearful person and I’ve realised I am riddled with it in virtually every thought I think and every action I take.

It got to the point on Thursday when I woke up with laryngitis (where did that come from?) and the mental pain in my mind was driving me nuts. I just mean the continual mental anxiety that I just hadn’t noticed before. How? I wanted to jump of a bridge it felt so bad (I wouldn’t and feel pretty sane as I write this and never ever would), but that’s how bad it felt.

I’m just trying to be real and say it how it is. I’ve always suffered from a panic in my system. I’ve been in fight or flight for years. I’ve kind of known that, but I didn’t actually realise what I was doing to myself. Since the age of 15 I’ve had to practically pay for myself so that has created a lot of pressure. I don’t have anyone who would have my back if things don’t work out, and singing has been my survival strategy for years, and I have had to make it work. Since the age of 19 I’ve been full on with it, went to music college, then got work and always got work, but there’s always been a panic about it. If I don’t earn money I’m screwed, and I have to sing in life and do my mission. This feeling has always been there. Real anxiety. It was because of the constant fear I had that I decided to sing on the streets in 2015.

I thought I had nothing to offer to people and thought singing on the streets would help me face my fears, and it did. I am definitely a different person than I was then. I am finding the courage to show myself more and more to people and say this is me, but my Julie Andrews show has triggered a lot of stuff in me that I just didn’t see. The absolute fear that I could run out of money and that I’ve taken on more than I can chew. How will I get people in etc…? My mind was getting more and more stressed. With the Disney thing, and being sent home (although she did get in touch and say it really was the sound guy who wasn’t doing his job properly and she appreciated that I had learnt songs especially), and I do believe her. She wasn’t a bullshitter. Then I got fired from a job I was meant to do up North. I’ve never been fired before apart from a Saturday job when I was 14. A Valentine’s fundraiser I had been asked to sing at. I nearly didn’t want to say but it’s part of what’s gone on and I need to be honest (what will you all think?)

The original lady who asked me to sing was lovely and then the event organiser got in touch and we just rubbed each other up the wrong way. I just didn’t like her tone. She asked if it was ok to arrive 4 hours before I would sing for the sound check, and I asked if I could arrive later as four hours is a long time to wait. I quickly realised that I wasn’t really being asked the question but was being told to turn up 4 hours early or else in a bullying tone. I don’t respond well to all that so when I said it would be better to arrive later I was told ‘that I was the most difficult person she had ever met and that I was no longer needed for the job’, in a text message. I called her but was told ‘she was the event organiser, she was not going to change her mind and not to speak when she was talking’.

I played my part in it because I was arsey back when I should have been more professional, but I knew deep down I just didn’t want to do it after the Disney job, and I really didn’t want to turn up 4 hours before. I knew I would have to turn up and be fake and it’s hard to explain but there was something in me that just didn’t want to do it. Not with this woman anyway and being in that corporate vibe. Something has changed in me. I’m getting tired of doing the stuff I am doing. It’s no longer working for me on the inside. I don’t want to go to places where people would rather talk (this happened in a coffee morning this week). I don’t want to sing on the streets when people would rather buy a pillow in the shop next door than just stop for a minute and listen, and I don’t want to sing ABBA and Tom Jones for people who think I’m some kind of pub singer. I’m not. I just know this chapter is coming to an end. It happened in Belgium. I would go to work at the opera and my heart would sink and that’s what’s starting to happen with what I am doing now. It’s good though too because my soul is ready for the next step now. At least I am chasing the things that feel real and right for me to do and I am proud of myself for that. It means I want to be myself.

Then the fear comes in. People say to me that I am brave doing what I am doing etc….but I see everything is led by fear. It’s the absolute fear that things won’t change that get me making sure things do change. I cannot live a life without adventure. If someone said I would be staying in the North of England and settling I would be gutted. I need more. I need a whole lot more in life and this is the fear that drives me. Fear that it won’t happen and I’ll be stuck living a life I don’t want, so I panic and think if I don’t fight to change things I’m going to get stuck living something I know I don’t really want.

I was meant to be in Belgium this weekend singing at a friends birthday party. He had organised the party around me being there to sing and I have no voice. He cancelled the party because he was also sick. I should have been enjoying wine and nice food now. I was meant to sing at the theatre in Nelson on Thursday to promote my show and I had to cancel. My mind was burnt out. The mental pain had reached it’s limit and I knew I had to stop. I can’t live with this mental pain anymore. It’s not the right way to approach things and I’m not enjoying what I am doing because of it, so the last few days I have worked on the inner me.

Without things being right on the inside and with my mental health then I have nothing. Nothing to give to myself or others, so I’ve listened to lots of Eckhart Tolle (this guy knows exactly how the ego functions and keeps us worrying and suffering), and I’ve been listening to Esther Hicks and doing some EFT tapping to tell my system it’s ok to calm down. I’ve realised that ‘singing’ totally stresses me out and leaves me in a state of continual stress because I’ve put so much on it for myself over the years, and I need to get back to the moment and the ‘now’ and stop doing this to myself.

I’ve needed to just step back and sort my head out and I can feel how absolutely totally and utterly important this is to do. I matter more than anything, including singing at the end of the day, and I have to be ok. I can feel the anxiety in my body and mind now as I write this (it’s been there for years so it’s not just going to go away overnight), but at least I can really see it now and I can start to do something about it.

I have to find a new approach. A happier less fearful one. Be more in today and not what might or might happen from doing this show or singing in general. I put so much onto the future with it all, that I’m totally missing the point in life. I do love singing but I need to take the fear out of the equation. I’ve had some moments these past few days of release from the stress in my head and it’s lovely, and I’m laughing again and feeling lighter. I just don’t need to emotionally react with old conditioning to everything that happens.
I am doing my best with everything and I always have. I was looking for some old photos and it made me look back at the last four years. It’s been amazing really. What a flipping journey……. I’ve sung in Belgium, Holland, Germany, Canada, America, France, the UK, and sang for so many people, and now I’ve written my own show that I’ve put into venues myself. Why the fuck am I so scared then? I feel like putting my bottle of champagne in the fridge and celebrating me for every bit of courage I’ve had.

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It’s all ok and in this moment I have nothing to worry about. I’ll take it one step at a time. I did post something on my singing page about how much I was struggling. I think Wednesday was my worst day and I can see now I wasn’t thinking healthy thoughts. I do thank you for all your comments. It does help, so I’m looking forward to just getting my head in a better place before I carry on. I’m thankful life has stopped me a bit. No voice means no going out there doing stuff, and it makes me go within which always brings me out in a better place.
I’ve also got a few Julie Andrews workshops in the diary now too with choirs. They want me to do it with them and came to me with the idea so that’s good, and I’m going to start contacting local papers too. The guy from Tower FM got back to me this week too asking if I wanted to go on the show but hasn’t replied yet to my email so I will call him on Monday. Breathe Nick……..you are doing great!!!!!!!

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I’ve realised it’s all an inside job……the same things can be happening but it’s how I deal with them and think about them that matters. My whole life has been about stress and I just hope I can find a new way to do it all and get myself out of my mental prison. We all have one……..I’m just glad I can see mine for what it is…..

For more info on what I’m doing take a look at my website
http://www.iamnicolamills.com