I’m on the sofa recuperating from a busy week. I’m shattered. Feel like I’ve been whacked round the head with a hammer. I’ve been pretty stressed these last few weeks. The stress of getting people in and worrying about all the places I’ve booked, and not knowing if I can afford it all. I also got the first draft of the demo back that I had had filmed at my first show in Lytham, but the guy filmed it all from the side of the stage (why????????), so you only saw the back of Gary and the side of my face, plus all the high notes weren’t included because he said they were distorted.

He was hoping I was going to look at the camera more. I’m like wtf????? I have an audience to play to, not a camera. So that’s put me back a few months now. I can’t promote this show further without a good demo. I’ve learnt a lot these past few weeks about it all. The core things have to be right. I have no time for them not being. The show (the music), the flyer, the demo, me and the pianists. I have to connect with the audience and the demo has to get it out there so people are interested. That is the first thing anyone will see of the show when I really start to send it out so it has to look quality and sell what I’m doing in 2 minutes. No cutting any corners. I’ve found someone else through my pianist who will film the next show in Bury, and I have a specialist sound guy coming too but it’s four times the amount of the last guy.

It didn’t help what happened at Disney too. The boss was retiring and the senior manager booked me to sing as guests were arriving. Nice little background music. Even sent me a list of Peter’s favourite songs and I learnt 5 new ones in a week to please him. Spent hours learning the words. Long story short. Sound check, and the guy was rubbish. Either backing too loud or me too loud. I mean it’s not rocket science and we kept saying ‘it’s too loud’. It started too loud when I actually started and my microphone was not working then. Ffs. I kept saying to the manager that it wasn’t right just before we started. It settled, people were coming in, I was doing my thing, it was getting noisier and noisier with people chatting.

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The big boss arrived, everyone was having a good chat and not really noticing me. Fine. I knew the job I had been asked to do. I was stood next to the speaker trying to hear the backing track so I could actually sing, but they kept telling him to turn it down and I was holding back because it was too loud for them, and then the PA came up to me and said ‘ the sound guy is ruining it for you and it’s too loud so we don’t want you to do the second set. Not fair on you (no idea what they really thought)’, but I think you can’t ask an opera singer to be singing as a backing singer, and I actually felt sorry for the sound guy. It wasn’t really his fault (more that people don’t really understand what they are booking), so I went back to the big house I was staying in with chips and curry from the chippy and some wine. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I put all his favourites together for him and sang. He didn’t even know I was there. I don’t really like corporate stuff. I need to connect with people. That’s what I do and what I stand for. I care and can’t be part of the uncaring business side of it all. I’ve sat and thought ‘was it me? Did they just not like what I was doing?’ It’s gutting really when someone is not happy with what you are doing, but I don’t think it was me. They said they were going to put Spotify on instead, but I saw how people were happily chatting and I didn’t see anyone looking around to say this is disturbing me. I watch and read audiences all the time to see what is working, and no one was listening, and I couldn’t hear the music myself over so many people chatting. C’est la vie. I can’t please everyone, and what’s the point in giving out my energy to people who don’t appreciate it. None whatsoever. I get all kinds of comments all the time…….I love singing for ‘the people’, but sometimes they just don’t get it either.

I do get my low moments too. Times where I question what I am doing. Will it all actually work? The stress of it all. Money. The continual scrabbling around to just get seen. I’ve been on the road now for two years this weekend. Two years since I gave my room up in London, got rid of most of my things and went on this journey. Nothing is clearer, and I feel really in the thick of it. I’ve stayed in over 65 places and it seems like it’s going to carry on like this for a while. The two things that keep me going are singing and the ‘knowing’ I feel in my gut. If I listen to that I know everything is working out just as it should and I know I’m coming from the right place with what I am doing, but it is most certainly a challenge and at times I get mentally tired. I’ve learnt a hell of a lot, and I’ve truly had some amazing experiences. I imagined things would be all sorted out by now and that my dreams would be coming true, but every time I try to get higher and I build my hopes up a bit it doesn’t work. I’m just glad that I do connect with ‘the people’. Without every little positive interaction and without their help there would be nothing for me to carry on singing for. Also, people who put posters up, tell their friends, help me give out flyers, send me encouraging messages, say how much I changed their day. I’ve even got people flying down from Scotland to see my show in London. I feel like I’m in the middle of a tunnel and I can’t turn around and have to just keep moving forward.

I’ve never made any real impact on anyone of any clout in the business but I know that that is toxic anyway, so do I actually care? Less and less. This is my own path and I know it will work down the line from me just having had the courage to carry on doing my own thing. I went to sing for some kids in a local theatre school on Monday. They appreciated me more than the Disney people.

Going back to the big house in London I was staying in which came from the lady I met in NY (Kristin), who helped me to organise my concert in Shepherds Bush last year. She is helping me do my Julie show there in March. A friend of hers also came to the first concert, and offered me a room in their house, and I had a couple of nights in a beautiful 7 bedroom, 5 bathroom house in Ealing with my own bathroom, plus their lovely kindness.

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Her husband was super nice and kept taking me to the station to catch the tube. It was nice to just be looked after.

I also sang in Waterloo and Euston and there are literally thousands of people walking past. There was a young guy stood listening and then he stood with a bunch of flowers. I thought ‘this guy is going on a date’. Then he told me he was waiting for his date and it was a first date and would I sing a song for her when she arrived. Oh, the excitement, so when she arrived I sang for them and he looked thrilled to have got something like this to impress her with. She had a big suitcase and he took it off her. I thought ‘he’s a keeper love’. I hope they had a nice time.
It also gave me the chance to rehearse with Andrea, my other pianist too. When I sing through the show again I know how much it is audience friendly and it helps me to get out of worrying about it. Back to sheer joy of just loving the music. I forget that when I’m caught up in all the organising of it and trying to get it out there to people. I listened to an old desert island discs of Simon Cowell. Someone recommended it to me. Not what I expected, but he said ‘the best form of advertisement is word of mouth.‘ I worked out that this is the first time that I’ve really tried to put myself out there. I sang on the streets mainly for my opera singing thingy and before that took jobs in choruses. I never just stood there and said ‘this is me and I want fucking more, and I’m good enough for it too, so please come and see me’. That was also a big realisation. Always hid myself in the background.

It’s been a rollercoaster ride but I am one tough cookie. Do not mess with me and my mission. Do not get in the way of me singing for people. I am strong, I am a warrior and I will never stop trying, even if I have to fall down 1000 times, brush myself off and carry on. I popped in a charity shop yesterday to find a new book for the train and found one by Brene Brown and the first chapter made me breathe a sigh of relief. She had met Maya Angelou and she said to her:

‘You’re doing important work. Keep doing it. Keep talking about your work. Don’t stop and don’t let anyone get in your way.’

And then later two other things jumped out at me. Maya Angelou also said:

“You are only free when you realise you belomg no place….you belong every place….no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”

Then Brene says:

“The reward is your work getting out to the world in an honest way….a way that’s true to the people.”

I’m glad I walked into that charity shop, and a bargain at £1.50. I also went on a walk in nature today with a lady who did a guided meditation with me sat in the woods. Sorted me out. Got my head in the right place again so thanks to her too. Fear of it not working shows me how much I care but it can’t be the leader. I need to rise above that taking over. I’m changing the words on my website. It’s no longer going to mention that I am a street singer. I don’t want that to be who I am. I need more and I need to start being that.
Look on my website ://www.iamnicolamills.com, check my dates out, tell your friends and come and see my show!!!!!!