Just sat listening to Mendelssohn’s Violin Concerto. I love this piece. I’m having a moment of feeling ok and not in a state of worry or anxiety. This last couple of weeks has been up and down like a yo-yo. Sometimes there’s so much frustration in me and I’m literally done inside.

I’m just ready for the next step and am so tired of being at the bottom of the pile. I have literally given my life to singing. No sense of normality for me. I’ve definitely not chosen the ‘safe’ option and I’m glad I haven’t. I go from unwavering faith in what I am doing and knowing it is going somewhere (way further than I am now), to my head sending me to the depths of despair at times (bit over dramatic there but I am an emotional being, ha ha). Yesterday I was singing in Blackpool and was saying to myself ‘if nothing changes next year I’m done.

Can’t keep giving my all and it never going anywhere.’ I know I’m not thinking straight though, so all I do is put myself through ‘head and fear shit’, but it’s just not a walk in the park either.
I was chatting to a friend the other day about how neither of us has chosen the safe option and we’ve both left situations we could have easily stayed in but we didn’t want to. I had a house all paid for, my car all paid for, no debt at all and was ticking along nicely with my exhusband but I knew that was not the life for me. I was crying inside and I knew I had to get out. My job at the opera in Belgium felt the same towards the end. The spark in my tummy tells me it’s time to go when I feel it start to die. It may sound deep, but that’s the truth.
I still get a lot of pleasure out of singing on the streets but I can feel the spark for that dying too and I think the frustration comes from now knowing I am ready for more and just want to fricking be doing it. I’ve always had a massive sense of mission in life. I only really care about doing my mission to be honest, and I really mean that. I want to be singing for ‘the people’, and nothing else will satisfy me with regards to happiness inside.

I’m not a materialistic person. I don’t care about shopping and having things. I have no desire for a mortgage or any of that stuff. I don’t own a stick of furniture. I love nice food so shop locally here and love my walks in nature but apart from that my life is totally about singing. I have my tribe of people around me who support what I do, and I would say that’s the bulk of all my energy. I’m just mentally tired of being on the sidelines and watching others take to stages and thinking ‘come the fuck on’.

My heart literally goes out to people especially when I sing in more run down places. I am very observant with people, being stood in one spot. You see a lot in people, but I also really need the support of people on the street too. I love going to the more run down places because I can actually get a better response than more affluent places. More of a response with regards to people actually stopping to listen and having a bit of a chat too.

Newport, Huddersfield, Southport, Burnley and Blackpool all lifted me up these last few weeks. The people help me. I was pretty fed up in Blackpool the other day and one guy came up to me and said ‘oh, you’re back. I wondered when you were coming back (I’ve only been once before)’, and he sat the whole time to listen and was calling his sister, telling her to leave the zoo and come straightaway, and they had no idea how much they were helping me too by saying that. I’ve had lots of men in tears this last two weeks and I love that I SEE people. One guy came up in a Home Bargains uniform. He gave me £10 and then broke down and I was hugging him. I know this guy won’t be on a lot of money and to give me £10 is a lot for him and I appreciate that so much. I see people (and I am sorry to seem like I judge but I’m just observing really) who look on the poorer side of things and they give me something or they just give me lovely comments and it humbles me to the core. Sometimes it makes ME want to cry because people show me their hearts and that’s what humbles me. One lady told me in Lytham that she listens to my Cd every day (blows me away), and after my last blog one guy sent me a donation via PayPal to help me and offer some support.

All these people who heard me on the street. I have friends I met from singing on the street, people who help me everywhere I go. People who’ve been giving flyers out with me, people who’ve treated me to glasses of wine at the end of the day, flowers, chocolates, people who have put me up and given me lifts when I’ve needed it. No matter what happens I never want to stop connecting with the people. I’m on the frontline on the streets and I’m grateful that it shows me at a baseline who people are. Every penny people put in my tin helps me not only financially but mentally, and I enjoy the interactions and chats along the way. People tell me stuff about themselves and their struggle or story.

It’s not that I need to be constantly told I’m good. It’s just that sometimes I’m not in a good place myself and people help me too. They give to me just as much as I am trying to give to them and they heal me too, so it’s a two way thing. One guy stood the whole time in Huddersfield and then without saying a word gave me this note and walked off.

He’d been crying most of the time. It makes me happy to know I have moved people and helped them, and this is my mission.
I feel I’ve gone too far really to be back in the profession as it is. I’m too much in my own lane now. I just happened to come across a documentary about Andre Rieu the other day. I love what he does. I love that he is all about ‘the people’. His happiness is dependent on his audiences happiness and he has got it so right. He has more cameras watching the reactions to what he does than on his orchestra, because he needs to see the reactions to his show to see if it’s right for people. I love that. He treats his orchestra and singers well and brings so much happiness to people. That’s what I want. I want what he has but with me and my people. He’s shunned a little bit by the ‘classical world’ but fuck them, because he’s the one filling arenas.

People are not necessarily paying for the music, but they are paying for the feeling of ‘love and sense of connection’ they get, and that’s what it’s about. This is why there’s no going back for me too. I can’t. I see the way it should be and am not willing to compromise myself (all about the people).

Julie Andrews brought a lot of joy to people too and she still does. When I sing ‘A Spoonful of Sugar’ on the street I get young kids to grandads reacting. She has brought such joy to so many people and that’s why people love her. I actually dreamt the other night I was walking with her and we were having a chat. I loved it. Ha ha. I hope it’s a good omen for my show.

It’s four weeks until my premiere in Lytham. Stress city. Not the show itself, just working on getting people in. I’ve done as much as I can in Lytham now. The marketing guy has done a little video of me to play to the panto audiences because I don’t have a promo video yet which is great of him. The first one is being recorded so I can have that for the following shows. I went down to sing for late night shopping the other night but there was nobody there really and there was an amateur choir on and I just thought ‘I’m done. I’m not begging people anymore. Come or don’t come’. I’ll be on BBC Radio Lancashire on December 16th at 8.15pm about it (really excited about that), and then I can’t do more really. It will be what it is. Will I get enough people in for all my shows? Will I just lose loads of money? I don’t know. I just have to do it now. There’s no going back.

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The show itself is coming together. It’s getting in my blood and I wake up every day with some part of it going through my head or things I want to say or how I want it to be in my head. I’m going to love doing it. I know that. The spark in my tummy is loving it and I know it’s the right thing to do. All my dates and venues are on my website now too and some of the tickets are up for sale (just sorting out some of the later ones), so if you fancy it, you think you can come then come along. I want this to work. It has to really. Nobody else is doing anything of it’s kind and this is the start of something. So please wish me well and send good vibes my way. If you want to check out my website and book tickets then please do so. They are the perfect Christmas present…….

://www.iamnicolamills.com