I like the comedian Micky Flanagan. I love that he’s down to earth and a bit rough underneath it all. Like me really, but I want to do a shout like Micky Flanagan does in his shows. ‘IT’S DOING MY HEAD IN!!!!!!!!!’

I always want to be honest about things and not hide what’s going on but the pressure of getting people into my first show has sent me on a emotional rollercoaster ride these last few weeks. I have to say that the theatre themselves have not really been helping which doesn’t help me at all really. Until the other day they’d put one A4 poster up in the theatre and put a bunch of flyers in one place in the theatre (why are there none in the town?), so this week I have literally been on my knees saying ‘please do more to help me get people in’. They asked me to send larger posters too costing me money and then don’t use them. Why? I’ve been down singing on the streets there again last Saturday as the Christmas lights were being switched on. Denize from the Lytham lifestyle Facebook page had tried to get me on the main stage for a slot but they were all taken so I’m stood on the street singing, listening to some of the stuff that they had on the stage thinking ‘getting a bit sick of all this now’, in the sense of it’s time I was back on the stage and why am I always scrabbling around?’

Last Monday I was soooooooooooo frustrated at home all day and in a terrible mood. ‘Why am I doing all this? Sick of this stupid show. Wish I wasn’t doing it. Way too much stress. Tired of always being at the bottom of the pile.’ I’m 43 and I’m still scraping at the bottom of the barrel, hoping at some point that this feeling in my gut that tells me it’s all going somewhere actually comes to something. I feel like I’ve got jigsaw pieces all randomly on a board but none of them are starting to come together yet. I don’t live in one place (moving again in 4 weeks), I can’t plan ahead because I know I’ll go back to New York in June next year (but what do I do when I go there anyway?) I won’t book any places here beyond the beginning of June (then what do I do?) I’m literally using every penny I have to fund it all with a chance that I could lose everything I have (I don’t really have anything to lose materialistically because I don’t have anything really apart from my clothes and a few books etc….), but I could end up getting myself into a load of debt at the end of all this if it doesn’t work. I think it’s all pretty normal with what I am doing to have times where I feel like this. I am taking risks and putting myself out there with only myself to fall back on. No one is going to come and rescue me if it doesn’t work.

I know people love Julie Andrews and I love Julie Andrews so a part of me knows I’m on to a winner with it, if I can get it out there and get people in.
I was down in Wales this week working with Gary my pianist. I travelled down the day before and went to sing in Newport. I’d never been there before but it really was one of the most run down places I have sung on the streets in.

Homeless tents set up near where I was singing, a feeling of watching my back and dodginess in the air. I feel for people. I see poverty around. I see shops boarded up and people being forgotten, and at first I thought ‘I’m not going to get much here today’ as people were walking past hardly looking in my direction, but it turned out to be really nice. One lady asked for Mimi’s aria from ‘La Boheme’ and people were coming up chatting and asking for other songs. One guy started singing quietly to himself ‘Che gelida manina’ from La Boheme too, so I sang ‘Nessun Dorma’ for him. The lady from the cafe next door gave me a hot chocolate too. Salt of the earth people. I was staying with a friend of a friend too just outside Newport. Someone I know in Hebden decided to come with me for a few days to see her friend so she put me up too. That was lovely. Really enjoyed that. We were talking about life and spirituality and our experiences and telling stories. She was Welsh and I loved listening to her speaking. I felt like I was in an episode of Gavin and Stacey. Loved it (by her and all that. Lush……..)
There are so many good people out there.

Gary, my pianist drove 25 mins each way to pick me up and bring me home, fed me for two days, rehearsed with me for 5 hours each day and dropped me back off at the station, not knowing the journey from hell that ensued on the train (getting me in with a taxi from Crewe at 2.15am the following morning). Tired of delayed trains at the mo. I got chatting to the woman at the side of me and she said her husband loves opera. I was telling her that it’s not always easy and can be really stressful too, and at one point she said ‘I imagine that you’ll do something more solid at some point that’s more reliable’. Absolutely not!!!!!! Not in a million years.

Back to Gary and the rehearsal. We loved it. I loved that we got so far and then realised there were more layers to the music. There’s so much in it. So many little details and little nuances to bring out. I loved it. I loved going through it and hearing new things and wanting new things and Gary finding his voice with it too. We bounced off each other starting to whip it into shape, and I could see how this music has been in my blood for years. I know some of it inside out, back to front from watching the films as a kid. It’s a whole different style of singing too. Much more about the words rather than the line of the music which is new territory for me too. In opera we focus on the words but always keeping the beautiful line to the music too so this is different. It will be a great show and absolutely totally and utterly from my heart.

I have 13 places for my show in the diary up and down the country. Tickets are on sale for my first two in Lytham https://lowtherpavilion.co.uk/book-online/92602/ and Bury https://themet.org.uk/event/a-spoonful-of-julie/
on January 5th and March 6th, and the one at George Lawton Hall on April 18th (call anotheGary on 07741782876), and I’m still sorting out links and getting flyers to the other places. I’m proud of myself but I did have a moment this week (on my shit train journey home to be honest) where I thought I had made a mistake booking all these venues. Fear of failure….

My website guy is putting them onto my website at some point this week (always takes ages too). On the plus side I will be chatting about it all on BBC Radio Lancashire in December 16th on the arts and culture show at 8.15 in the evening. I could kiss that woman for asking me on. I need this. I really need some help and I have been praying for help to get people in so I can get off to a good start…..my friend is reading one of my books by Neale Donald Walsch and it says:

‘your mind holds the past, your body holds the present, your soul holds the future’.

That sums up how I feel. I’m healing myself from my past but it’s made me into who I am, I am stressed in my present fighting for what my soul knows is the future. I feel so strongly what will happen. I see this all being a success. I feel it and I know it and I know my future is in America, but doing what I am doing is not easy. I love singing but I don’t love some of the other stuff that goes with it and sometimes I get tired of continually having to be the one to always work to create things for myself.

I do feel better having taken a rest this weekend but I’m in this at the moment and just have to do it to see what happens. I’m doing my utter best……If anyone feels like giving me a boost then some words of encouragement would help. Thanks.