It’s Saturday night and I’m in writing my blog. I was singing all week for the charity Lost Chord, singing for the elderly in homes.
I did 13 concerts in 5 days and even though I’ve been doing this for 13 years somehow this week it really just made me think. I feel like I saw enough severe dementia and people trapped from age and not being able to move anymore, to just say to me ‘Nick, you get out and you do whatever the hell it is you want to do, and you LIVE!!!!!
Even if it scares the shit out of me and I say wtf am I doing I no longer care. It won’t stop me because one day I won’t be able to anymore, and my control and thinking and being independent will have gone, and my freedom and independence are the things I value most in my life.
I don’t know what kind of world we are living in, but it’s not right on a basic level. The system doesn’t want you to live from your heart and be happy, and I am determined to do exactly that.
These last few weeks I’ve worked really hard getting my show out there. I’ve now got 10 venues (2 to finalise for definite), varying from a 600 seater theatre to a local church hall. I’ve felt real fear and stress at times. Proud to have got it out there, but also fear that nobody will come and that I won’t get people through the door. Waking up sometimes in the middle of the night worrying about it all. Will people enjoy it? I don’t have props or any gimmicky things on stage. Just me, the music and the pianist.
I have to hold it all together and keep people entertained. Am I enough? What if I can’t? What if it fails? What if I lose money on it? On the other hand, what if it’s a big success? What if people do want to come? Imagine if I shine and people enjoy it. That could so easily happen too, but we are conditioned to always think the worst. Maybe I should start thinking the best.
I’m putting my neck on the line in every way. Financially, emotionally and my whole heart. There’s nothing else left of me. I contacted lots of places and one was a 600 seater theatre. The woman got back to me and asked a few questions, and because I had contacted so many, when I looked the theatre up I thought ‘600 seats. Out of my depth. Too much’, and I never got back to her.
She contacted me again a week later asking for me to get back to her, so I did and thought ‘just go with it Nick. Just see.’ She then suggested to do it at a smaller place nearby that she could help me with so I thought ‘phew, that’s better.’ Then she got back to me and said she wanted me to do it at her theatre, so that’s how that has happened. Why not? It’s on a split so I have nothing to lose really.
If people don’t come then it doesn’t put me out of pocket apart from paying my pianist but I imagine people will come. SOMEBODY WILL COME (worry about this one is off the scale already).
So my list so far is:
5th January Lowther Pavilion Lytham
6th March The Met, Bury
7th March Hope Baptist Church, Hebden Bridge
28th March Buxton Methodist Church (not confirmed yet)
29th March The Muni Theatre, Colne
17th April Holmfirth Civic Hall
18th April George Lawton Hall, Mossley
24th April Christchurch, Ilkley
25th April Ushaw College, Durham
1st May The Drill House, Chepstow
I want to try to get some down South in May (not got the energy to get on the case right now), and try to get some gigs in London too. Andrea, one of my pianists who I worked with this week is going to try to get us some in London in smaller places so we can just keep doing it and I’ve now done my audition for Council for Music in Hospitals and Care. I had to organise something they could come and hear me at so I sang for a Dementia group in Hebden Bridge. One woman there was called Judy and I chatted to her, danced with her, sang at the side of her, and she answered some questions and sang along a bit. When she left, another lady told me they had never seen her like that. She usually comes and sits in the chair with her head slumped not really saying anything. I would never have known, so now I’m hoping that they give me some opportunities to do it for people too.
On other notes, I got Facebook ‘lived’ in Halifax
and I’ve been chatting to a woman in LA who heard me singing in Charing Cross station in London (known as ‘castmebev’ which I find funny). She told me to call her so I did and let’s see if she can help in any way. Just keep pushing and pushing and at some point something will come from it. My agent is a complete dick too. Just a real dick. So far up his own backside. Told me earlier this week when I asked what he is doing for me at the moment and I got a whole spiel about how he’s sent my stuff to the top casting people in NY and London and they’ve all come back saying my standard isn’t high enough, and that when I have something better to send him he’ll send it out again. I don’t even believe this guy. Claims he spoke to them (bullshit). That’s what £6000 got me in a year. My stuff sent to about 10 people and my agent being another person telling me I am not good enough.
Fuck him. I no longer care. If they don’t like what I do then so what, because I like what I do and that’s all that matters. I hate the profession as it is anyway. Fake and full of shit and making people feel continually inadequate unless you are making them lots of money, dropped as soon as things go wrong. Boring. Yawn, yawn. There’s so much more to me than that and when the agent told me that I sent him an email saying that ‘I just don’t care that a few people out of the whole world don’t like what I do’.
I am glad he’s really tried to get something off the ground for me. Done it myself more like. Story of my life. Took my money, talked the talk and walked NO walk. I‘ve had various conversations in my head of what I would like to say to him (letting rip) and how one day I’ll turn round when I’m doing really well and do a Pretty Woman ‘big mistake, huge mistake’ moment at him. He’ll wish he’d got off his backside now and actually done something for me. He’s the one who is not good enough.
Tomorrow I’m singing in The Royal Hall in Harrogate. Looking forward to that. Lovely old hall for about 1000 people. It’s a free event organised by the Paul Mirfin Band.
He heard me singing on the street there and asked me to sing. I hope it’s full and I get to shine. I’m ready for it. I want to shine, shine and shine some more. I’ve devoted my life to singing. Nothing else comes first for me. That’s how it’s always been. It means more to me than anything and I’m looking forward to things changing and starting to be seen more. I get good feedback wherever I go and know I touch people too. I helped to raise £1070 for children to have music lessons and to have experiences they can’t afford by the two concerts I did recently in Todmorden and at my primary school, last week. Does it matter that the Broadway people don’t like me? No. I help others with what I do and that’s the way I want to keep doing it.
I’m back down to London later this week to sing in the stations and see Julie Andrews at The Royal Festival Hall (trying to think of a question to ask), and I’ll get her new book too. Then I fly out to Nice to pick up my scores.
After that it’s full steam ahead learning it and rehearsing it, singing on the streets, making sure I have enough money coming in to keep it all going so I can afford everything. Operation me. A friend in NY said to me last night ‘I know you are more into Julie right now than Opera’ and I said ‘No, I’m more into doing ‘me’ right now and singing for the people. If I sing opera and if I sing my Julie stuff, it doesn’t matter. I just need to keep doing ‘me’.
For more info check out my website (got to get a Julie page done on it now. Just got to get my head around what to put on there and have the money to do it).
Follow me on Facebook too at https://www.facebook.com/iamnicolamills/