Hello Everyone.
I am sat in Hebden Bridge waiting to sing. I got here at 9.30 to get the spot for a while but there was already somebody else here. He comes every Sunday and takes the spot all day so I asked if I could sing for 40 minutes at some point and he said no. I had a bit of argument with him about it. He plays every Sunday, the music is loud and the shops get tired of it being all day but he just shrugs his shoulders and says tough. Most buskers are courteous enough to think of others and I’m not really used to people being so unreasonable so I walked away and will sing near where the ducks go.
Get some people there. I’m singing at a cafe here later anyway at the side of the canal. This afternoon for a little while. Helping them out in their effort to get more people into the cafe and the little arcade of individual arty shops.
I’m all about supporting smaller businesses. One of the things I like about living here is that I hardly ever have to go into a supermarket. I can get everything I need from the market, little shops and things along the canal. I get the most amazing local veggies and homemade bread, local honey, marmalade etc….., and on my walks I can pick up freshly laid eggs with honesty boxes. I love it. It’s a simpler life for a while.
I have to say the whole lull in the proceedings has done my head in. I have a lot of frustration inside me at times and anger that comes up. Why am I still doing this? Why am I not doing my mission?
I see clearly in my minds eye what is ahead and I’m tired of waiting for it and get tired of things not moving on. I was unsure of whether to even say all this but this is the story right now. Why only tell the good stuff? I’m also tired of being asked to do things for free. I don’t need the exposure or the opportunity. I’ve been at this for 20 years and worked seriously hard at it and I need people to respect the dedication and not take it for granted. I’ve had a few enquiries for events and weddings recently and people just don’t want to pay fees I got easily 10 years ago. I want to put a value on what I do but if people don’t want to pay it then what can I do?
I have bills to pay and a roof to keep over my head. A solicitor would not turn up and do it for free so why should I? After the cafe today, no more doing things for free. I have very little money in my bank account, have no house or car because I can afford neither and live really simply so it’s time to just respect myself and what I do.
So going back to the lull in proceedings after another little stomp and stamp of my feet, yesterday I went for a tarot reading and one of the first things she said was ‘have you had enough at the moment and have been stamping around a bit?’ Yes, 15 minutes ago to be exact to my friend in Canada. Ha ha.
He gets it all. He knows my journey and my ups and downs and the sacrifices I’ve made. She told me that I have a big lesson to learn that is preparing me for the future and I have to go through it here, and will move on when it’s done. My future is not here (yep, know that. It’s in America), and I have to become more balanced in order to move on and this is the time I’ve been given to do that. I get it. It made me feel better. I have a new friend here and she feels a strong sense of mission in life and has known for years that she has that. Same for me. I just keep saying ‘I am here to sing for people in this lifetime and I see it being on a much bigger scale than I am now.’ Hence the frustration and being sick of waiting. I JUST WANT TO DO MY MISSION!!!!!!
The one thing I know is that I have to walk the path of light and not fear and when I go on about the stuff above it is fear that is dictating. If I know my future is in America then know it. Just know it and carry on and be happy and don’t let myself be pulled down with frustration. That’s real inner strength so I know the lessons I have to learn and what to do. When I’m singing and doing my thing I don’t care about money or my future. I’m in the moment with it.
I had a couple of ladies who asked me separately when I was singing in Hebden Bridge again so they could bring people from the day centre and another lady, the lady she cares for. That’s what it’s all about. I also went to Harrogate and one lady stood listening for 40 minutes and told me that she was actually depressed that morning and ‘nobody wants to know you when you feel like that’, and I had lifted her. She left with a smile on her face. These are things I don’t know as I’m singing. The things people are hiding. I’ll also be singing there later in the year in an event for the ‘The people’ at The Royal Hall. A guy heard me there and asked me to sing so I’m looking forward to that.
I also spoke to people at The Piece Hall in Halifax about doing an open air opera event. It’s the perfect setting for what I do so I’ll be speaking to them on the 13th to see if there’s anything I can organise there. I was also in Birmingham this week too helping an ex Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama pianist with her ‘Rhythm Circle’ initiative.
She is following her heart and putting everything she has into building up a music group for kids and she asked me to sing. She is real quality with what she does and I was inspired by her dedication to it and what she wants to do. I also went to sing in Sutton Coldfield and got a lovely response plus I loved hearing the Brummie accent.
I’m also thinking about my Julie show too. I want to get locals kids involved wherever I go and make it into a workshop, performance thing. Bring it to the community too. I have no idea how to do this yet. I’m learning the songs from Camelot and Cinderella and keep writing my story for her. Find my own voice with it. I saw she is on at the Southbank Centre in November for one time talking about her new book. Once I saw that it was like I was stood on hot coals all day, unable to think of anything but getting a ticket for it. After all my research I wanted to be in that theatre and see her live. See the woman I have loved in Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music most of my life so I was on it. I was getting a ticket no matter what, and I did.
I’m in. When I checked the website there were 2200 people in the queue so I’m glad I got on it straightaway when the box office opened. When I want something I don’t stop until I get it. I used to get called Miss Insistent in Holland when I lived there and I do the same with the agent. He’s lazy. He wants me to do the body work and I’m like ‘ok, what have you done this last week? Who are you sending my demos too? What is the plan?’ At times I get so sick of fighting. I’ve fought my whole life. I mean fought. Parents who didn’t know how to support me so did the opposite, people who told me I wasn’t good enough and who did I think I was? I’ve had the lot. Narcissists galore. Gaslighted to the hilt, but no more. I fought and it made me strong and I persisted and I listened to the good people around me and I kept trying and trusting and trying and it’s made me very strong so I’m grateful for all those who didn’t support me.
I’m strong, independent and have a big heart and no matter what happens I will keep following my path, will keep doing it my way and will do the things I want to do. Simple as that. I refuse to compromise anymore. A guy took me for dinner last week and I had a nice night apart from the text at the train station asking me back to his room (noooooooooooooooooooooo). ‘Best wishes with finding someone he said’. Well, seen as I was never looking in the first place then I don’t really care. I’m too into following my heart and doing my mission right now to be thinking of someone else at the moment and I love my freedom. I truly love my freedom. It’s taken me most of my life to find it and it will take someone pretty special to come along to get me to share it.
I’ll get my stuff out now and do my ‘singing thingy’ for people. I hope the ducks like it……Next weekend I’m back in Belgium singing at a party for people in Knokke and back here doing an opera class for people, then it’s my birthday (how has another year gone by?) so it should be a good couple of weeks, plus I should get my new cd soon. Woohoo!!!!!!! Always something going on……enjoy the Summer!!!!
For more info check out my website at /www.iamnicolamills.com and follow me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/iamnicolamills/