Hi Everyone,

I’m on my way up to the North of England to work this week before I move into my place for the next six months next Friday. It will certainly be nice to unpack my case and not have to repack it a few days or weeks later. Me and my case have done a lot of miles this last 18 months together.

I’m not really coping so well with being back in the UK. It’s been just over a week now and even though everything is fine I just have this feeling of grief to be home. I just don’t want to be here. I want to be back in the US feeling positive. I miss it and I miss the life I created there. Being back in the UK feels so hard right now. I put off writing my blog because I thought it would get better and I would not have this shitty feeling I feel. Also what will the Brits think who read this when I’m basically saying I don’t want to be here? Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine here. I love being British and I love where I come from but it’s not where I see myself settling and building a life, so I’ll just ride this feeling out until it’s gone, but my heart is over in America and I’m crying inside not to be there. It’s the energy of the place that I miss. It feeds me every day. It’s the fact that ever since I went in 2016 I’ve felt a connection to the place and living there in the future.

I’ve had a good week overall. Couldn’t have asked for it to be better for my first week back. I went to stay with my friend Gaynor in Derby and we went out to the countryside for a roast dinner. I’ve spent the week in London staying in a lovely place, saw my teacher three times (always good to reconnect as we get on so well and I enjoy learning again), and I sang in Charing Cross and Waterloo, went to The Royal Opera House, as well as recording half my new cd (Songs for the People), and editing it with the sound engineer who is a Geordie friend of mine.

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I’ve been busy and occupied, and this coming week I am singing for Lost Chord, giving concerts all week in old folks home for the elderly and people with dementia. I also went to visit a church in Shepherd’s Bush after a lady heard me singing in New York who lives in London and wants me to give a concert there, so I’m going to be doing that later in the year. I’ve also got more work in Belgium too and will be flying out to sing in Knokke, so it’s not a bad start at all to come back to.

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But my heart is heavy and I wish I didn’t feel as I do, but I do. My spark inside is not really sparkling right now.

My last week in New York was great. Lots of saying goodbyes and seeing people for the last time (for now). I did my goodbyes with the homeless place I go to on Mondays, I said goodbye to my friends, and I went to see ‘My Fair Lady’ at the Lincoln Center. Absolutely beautiful. We had such great seats and I’ve always loved this musical anyway. It was stunning. Very rarely do I feel like I would pay more for a ticket but it was so good I felt like it deserved more than I paid.

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The set, the costumes, the overall quality was great. I went to the beach for one last time, sat on my rooftop looking at the Manhattan skyline in the evenings, sat in Union sq people watching and did my final bits of singing. Saying goodbye to the people I have built relationships with there.

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To Carlos who plays the guitar, to George the homeless guy who I always sit with and chat to before I sing, to the ‘doo wap’ guys who would go before me and I would always arrive early to listen to, never tiring of them but always feeling inspired by them and to Leila and Thoth, my fellow ‘followers of the heart’ who would play after me and we would swap stories of our tales around the world, performing in different places. I had an audition/session with the lady who organises the big cabaret thing I was hoping to sing in in October too but it’s not going to happen. I don’t mind. She was a nice lady and gave me some good advice but I think she’s fake too and wants me to lick her backside to do it and I just can’t be bothered. I knew it wasn’t for me deep down. I don’t play other people’s games to try to get ahead so I can sing somewhere for 10 minutes. Not interested so I felt relieved afterwards. At least I know that’s not the way for me. After it I went on the streets again to sing for ‘the people’ and especially for Catherine who had come to listen to me my whole time there so I wanted to do it for her. That’s much more real to me.

So what now? I have no idea when I will go back to America. As far as customs are concerned I have to leave it a year. I still know my future is there and I feel frustrated that I feel no further on than I did a year ago. I was singing in Charing Cross station the other day and was like ‘nothing has changed. I’m still pissing in the same pot. I may as well not have bothered to be over there if I come back and nothing has changed’. But I’ve changed inside. I’m different and I had a wonderful time there, and will never forget what I have done this last year.

Moving on is about finding the balance to make it and allow it to happen. On the one hand I am so curious to see how this is going to unfold. I’m making my cd which will double as demos that the agent can send to people and I’m happy with what I have done so far. I feel a real improvement from my last one which I never thought was good enough to sell to people. It was done quickly and on the cheap but this time I’m doing it properly and it will be the best quality I can make it. I’ve also spoken to Stuart who lives in Nice, who says he will help me to start some vocal arrangements for my Julie Andrews show. I need to get to Hebden Bridge now to focus more. I’m too all over the place to actually sit down and start to really plan the framework of what I want, but I’ll be going over to Nice at the end of August for a few days to start putting it together. I need money which I don’t have which means I have to find a way to apply for funding which I’ve never done before, so it’s about facing the fears and getting the jigsaw pieces to start putting them together so it doesn’t feel so daunting. It’s that feeling of knowing you HAVE to do something but not really knowing how.

Another plan is to try to get over to NY in December when they hold three weeks of auditions (the agent can support my visit) but I don’t know yet whether that is worth me trying to go over for. Not much is clear except that I need to stay focussed and take things one step at a time and stay trusting. I’ve been grumpy and irritable all week so once this feeling passes I can get on with what I need to do.

I’ve also had to cancel my gig in Nottingham because I didn’t sell one ticket. Never had to do that before but it’s no biggie really. It is what it is. Just carry on. I can’t force people to come.

I was chatting to Darren (the sound engineer) yesterday and he said ‘at least you know what you want so you can go and get it’. Yes, I do. I really know what I want and I also know myself. I won’t stop until I’ve got it.

For more info check out my website at www.iamnicolamills.com and follow me on Facebook at Nicola Mills Opera for the People.