I was sat with a friend last night catching up over Mexican food and frozen margaritas (something I got used to quite easily over here), and was telling him what was going on for me and he was like ‘that’s so typically Nicola and only you would have that happening’ and I was ‘there’s never a dull fricking moment’.
Honestly, I’ll sit in my chair when I’m older and be like ‘what the hell was all that about?’
I write my blog every two weeks. I always seem to get myself into a good place when I’m writing it, but the two weeks in between are definitely a rollercoaster ride of dips and ups and a whole host of emotions. My work is on my thinking right now. Keep turning things around and changing patterns so I keep thinking positively. This is my real daily work.
It’s a real struggle at times but every day I keep coming back to it and making myself look to the stuff to be grateful for and not the stuff to moan or be fearful about. I know it’s about choice. Do I have a good day or a bad day? I will bring to me what I am feeling. I just know the way forward for me is to change my vibration to a higher one and instead of making things happen I bring them to me by vibing at a vibe that brings me into alignment with the things I want. It takes a lot of trust too because my heart knows what it feels but my eye can’t see the results yet.
My heart knows it’s all working out as it should and my future is over here and my eyes see nothing unfolding to show this happening. Someone said to me the other day ‘I’m sorry that it hasn’t worked out for you in New York and then told me I had to be realistic, maybe get a job in an office here and do my singing in the evenings and weekends etc’. Noooooooooo. What is the point of doing everything I’m doing to get up at 6am to work for someone else in an office and be too exhausted to do anything else with my time? Not for me at all. I would have sold my soul down the river with that decision. Would rather just carry on as I am and stay in the UK then. Another friend said to me ‘it’s all in the hands of the gods now with your situation’.
Yes, it is. I just need to keep showing up and carry on. Let it unfold. Get out of the way of controlling and keep believing and seeing what’s ahead.
My agent is a bit of a prick. When I meet him in person I don’t dislike him and he’s fine to chat to but he’s a real narcissist and comes out with some real shit in his emails. He messed up the chance to sing for some people here. I had asked him to contact the music dept of one of the main churches here. They have a great music department and he harrassed them with emails (two a day of the same email) to the point where they called and asked him to stop and he carried on. They then sent me an email saying they would take action if he didn’t stop and would no longer even consider hearing me. I was not happy. Dick. When I confronted him he turned it back onto me saying I should support him and what an amazing agent he is and I should tell the ‘little amateur church’ people he works with famous singers etc…..I was like ‘God help me with this one (and a long list of expletives) and went in person to the church and apologised for his behaviour, not the desired result that I was looking for at all. I wonder at times if this guy is more of a hindrance than a help but I paid him money and I just have to keep on his back and fighting my corner with him. I give it him back and tell him. I’m not scared to stand up for myself but he’s up his own backside and more.
I just think I have to carry on with him and at some point a door will open. At least from paying him I can nag him a bit to do something. Without that I would just be forgotten on the list.
Yesterday I sang for a coach who deals with Broadway stuff (the agent sorted this out), so I was expecting to sing my stuff and work on it with him but he gave me lots of advice and told me I should audition for stuff in shows here. Didn’t really talk about changing anything with the singing but just said what I would need to get together to present to casting people here. There’s an audition coming up for a role in Phantom so I just think I have absolutely nothing to lose. It scares the hell out of me as I know nothing about that world really. I just don’t know what direction my life is going in. I know I can sing but where is it going to be used. My head was full after the session. It’s just too much mentally at times. Opera, Julie Andrews, singing, want to make a new cd, where to live, what to do next, when can I come back? My head is like ‘aaaaargghhhhhh’ at times.
I am manifesting so much at the moment though. Lots of little things that show me it works. I went to three Classical events this week and didn’t pay for one ticket. A friends choir concert (the conductor is hearing me sing on Thursday), ‘Dialogue des Carmelites’ at The Met (was thrilled with a ticket for this as it was the top of my list to see and was completely sold out but I knew someone from years back at music college who was in it and they got me a ticket).
It was beautiful. I had goosebumps most of the way through. It was full of heart and my body was tingling so much at times it was almost too much. Then I saw a Britten opera in Brooklyn called ‘Owen Wingrave’, which was also really well done. About a guy who says he won’t follow the tradition of generations of his family and go in the military and everyone turns their back on him. It’s not easy to go against the grain and follow your own path in a world where we are told to find safety and security in things and to be fearful of so much.
I am manifesting what I want though. I see the little signs everywhere. Every little thing I’ve needed has come to me easily here when I’ve asked for it (things for my room, clothes, people) so I know things are working out. I’m also predicting stuff that will happen. Last night I thought my phone was ringing but it wasn’t mine and I thought ‘such and such a body is going to call’ and 10 minutes later they called. Stuff like that is happening all the time. Another thing that has come to me is the possibility of singing some Julie Andrews at a big Cabaret Convention later in the year.
It’s a big thing over here and it’s a 5 day showcase of talent in a hall at The Lincoln Center. I went to see it last year and there’s a small band and it seats around 1200 people so I would love to do it. There’s a woman I’ve sang for here who knows the woman who organises it so they want me to send a video and biography. She’s pushing for me to be in it. It’s all dependent on if I can even get back in the country. I spoke to George, my agent yesterday and asked him to support me when coming again and give me some back up and reasons to be here so I can give it a shot but they may just say no. Again, I just don’t know. Nothing is solid right now. It’s all just whatever, whatever. How DO I do it?
I’ve been going to the library a lot too researching on Julie Andrews. I’m really grateful that I have that on my doorstep. Lots of photos, videos, recordings. I may as well utilise what I have whilst I have it.
The author of one of her books lives in London and has agreed to chat to me when I go home about her. Talking of home I got a text today from my Northern mate Christine saying she’d found a British pub/restaurant near her so we just went and I had pie, chips and mushy peas. We always talk about the food we miss and what we’ll have when we go home. Where is home? I live everywhere but nowhere. At least the house I’m living in now is great.
A real contrast to the place I was in first of all. Loving it here. Friendly people, nice apartment, can sing and make some noise and it’s a two minute walk to the main park in Brooklyn. I’m really happy here. I go to court on Wednesday to try to get my deposit back. Not looking forward to that and I hope I get it back.
A part of me longs for the time it just all get a bit clearer. It’s been 16 months of being on the road and I think this is my 54th place I’ve stayed in. I have a place to stay for 6 months in Hebden Bridge. My own little apartment in a house so I’m happy about that. I just want to unpack and not have to think about carrying things and moving them around and getting rid of things but at the same time I just want to be here and it be worked out and something to have happened. It’s not easy all this. I can tell you that. I have a life here and I’m out and about and even doing salsa dance classes taught by the guitar player from Chile who plays in the park. It’s really good fun. I just have no answers right now but that’s ok. Maybe if I stop trying to control it all I can live the life I am meant to live and who knows what that will bring me. I’m in it so I may as well just ride the wave. Enjoy it along the way. Keep positive. Keep believing. Keep feeling happy. Trust, trust and trust some more. At least I get good feedback. Here’s some from Prince (check out the video below) at the homeless kitchen I go to on Mondays. I sang there a few weeks back. Made it special for the people….when I’m caught up in my ‘how’ and ‘why’ and ‘if’ and I’m tired of doing it all I have to remind myself that I have a gift and it’s there to help others and that’s all I need to do…
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