Hi Everyone,

I’m finally living alone in Hebden Bridge, going for walks in the woods and really having some rest and downtime.

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I was meant to be working this last week for the charity Lost Chord singing in old folks homes in Sheffield and Rotherham in Yorkshire but woke up on Monday with no voice and a nice little dose of laryngitis so I had to call and pull out. It’s never easy to say no to work especially when you are relying on the money too (had to just cut my losses, life of a freelance musician and all that, but then a few days later they offered me a week later this month because another singer has pulled out) and because I really hate to let anyone down, but if ‘la voce’ says NO it says NO. Can’t force it.

Joe my Canadian friend was here last weekend and it was his first time in the North of England so I wanted to show him ‘my turf’ a bit. I love this guy. We are so connected from my gut so being with him is just like landing on a soft cushion. No effort required. Just love and support. We went on great walks (he’s a rockie mountains guy so I knew he would like the countryside here) and it’s really just stunningly beautiful.

We walked miles, I sang a bit on the streets even though it just felt like hard work to sing (now I know why), and I also performed for the non profit ‘Molly and Bill’ at their Burns gathering. It’s a charity that brings the elderly in the community together through various events so people don’t get lonely, so it’s really working for a good cause. At least I could do that, but this week I have just shut up. SHUT MY MOUTH. I just thought I was playing catch up trying to get my voice back from the cough I had but I think I just needed to ‘stop’. I don’t like not being able to sing. It’s rubbish, but you know when you have to shut up and really take it easy, so I have literally holed myself up and hibernated all week. I walked along the canal yesterday and went into the ‘Fox and Goose’ pub for a beer and some crumpets

( a cooperative pub owned by the people in the community), but apart from that I have seen no one and talked to no one and it’s been bliss. Loved it. I bought enough food to last the week, so that if I didn’t want to go out then I didn’t need to. All last year I was on the move and I stayed in 38 different places. This year I’ve already stayed in 7 and I knew at the beginning of January I was feeling a bit burnt out and desperate for some ‘alone time’ and that I needed to not be ‘going’ anywhere and not with a suitcase or bag (stay out of my life for a while bag).

I’m always very aware of my inner journey too. I would say it’s very much there on a daily basis and I like to keep growing and evolving, and I think living as I do forces me to always be looking at it, so being alone has made me have to look at some stuff this week.

I am very fearful. I mean really ‘full of anxiety fearful’ deep down. My diaphragm gets really tense, my jaw too and I end up in real pain sometimes. I was in contact with Norma in New York this week for 10 minutes and spent the whole night just not dealing with the feelings I had inside about going back. She always reminds me of all the negative stuff with what I’m doing, triggering all the fear I have myself about it all. I just don’t know what I’m doing this time. The agent causes me stress because I don’t trust him yet (not really done anything to show I can trust him with the money I have given him), I don’t know where I’ll live, how to create more opportunities, if at any time anything will change to give me some glimpse of things working out over there. It’s really stressful when I go into it. A part of me just wants to stay here and not do it but I know I just need to trust and keep following the path even if I don’t know what’s ahead. ‘Trust the fuck out of life Nick.’

I also know I’m not very good at stopping. I don’t give myself permission at all. The guilt and the crap that goes round my head is not nice to deal with too. I put myself through a lot of anxiety through that too. Lack of self love to say ‘Nick, take a break. It’s ok’. I just have this deep deep fear that if I take time off I will NEVER do what I’m meant to do in life and it won’t happen and I’ll miss it so I keep working and doing and pushing etc…. I literally had to keep telling myself that it’s ok and that I love myself and it’s ok and it’s actually self love to take time out etc…..but it hasn’t been easy. I’m a trier and an achiever that feel nothing will happen if I’m not DOING it, which means I don’t trust. Deep down I do not trust. I used to be like it as a kid too. Work and work and work and then burst into tears in sheer exhaustion and crash. I really push myself and have to learn to step back and allow too. Get out of my own way. Trust the process (here I go again).

So even though I have spent the week alone and absolutely loved it (I never get lonely), it’s not been a bed of roses. What I do love though is that I can literally just decide what I want to do from moment to moment. No plan at all. Nowhere to go and nothing to do but whatever I feel like in the moment. That, I really love. How often to we get that in our continually busy lives?

I’ve also been saying good things to myself too. I listened a lot to Louise Hay and this whole ‘loving yourself’ business and have been talking to myself and saying some good stuff. I am always conscious that I’m overweight and I’m now like a ninja ‘stop saying this shit to myself and start saying the good’. I am beautiful and I am proud of all I do. I love that I care and that I try and I use my gifts to help others, and that I have the courage to live as I really want, and I’m kind and all round a lovely person. There I go (getting this self love business). I no longer want to reject myself on a daily basis because I’m not what I deem to be ‘perfect’ enough.

I have an audition tomorrow. I’m going up to Glasgow for it.

I used to live in Glasgow when I was studying at The Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama so it’s going to be nice to be back for a night.

I was singing in Charing Cross station a few weeks back and a talentscout spotted me, called and asked if I would go and audition. I think I’ve just about got my voice back so it’s a big ‘phew’ let’s see what happens. I’ll stay overnight and sing on the streets a bit too (hopefully I can just get on now). Last time I got a great response. I lived there for 6 years and had a great time. Lots of happy memories.

My friend Andrea in Atlanta, Georgia said to me yesterday ‘You’re such fun. I wish I was with you now…..each day a bloody adventure’.

It’s true. I love adventure. I just looooooooovvvveeeee adventure and doing something that gives me some kind of excitement on a daily basis. I’m always on the search for adventure, seeing new places and just finding the stuff to do where I am. I could never just sit back and let my life become the same pattern, so I guess I’m right where I need to be.

I’ve got a lovely opera evening at Scona in Greenfield on 15th February. Gemma has finally got her own place for a cafe (a whole story) and we always give people a good night so do come along if you can. There are only places for 40 people so it’s going to be a really intimate and cosy evening.

I’ll get on with my day now. I fancy a bacon butty (the bacon from the local farm is the creme de la creme of bacon), and I won a bottle of wine in a raffle for the homeless at the spiritual church so I’ll going along there later. Have a good day everyone and wish me luck for tomorrow. 3.30pm. Bye for now…….

Nicola