Hi Everyone. It’s Saturday night and I’m writing this with Verdi’s Otello on in the background. I’m working on some music from it so wanted to hear the whole thing, and it’s Domingo doing the role of Otello from a production done at ‘La Scala’. I’m having to up my game now. Take things up a notch. I’m stepping into new territory and I am pleased really. I’m ready for a new challenge and chapter with my singing.

I had dinner last week with George, my new agent. I like this guy. I like that he takes the time to build a relationship with his singers by spending time with them and getting to know who they are and how they tick, so we just sat and chatted all night, and I had a few cocktails overlooking Times Square. This week we went to see a coach he works with and went through the arias I know and then worked out new ones to add so I will eventually have five that are ready to present in auditions. It’s about putting a package together now to get myself out there to people. George comes along to the coachings too as he likes to know what’s going on so it’s really personal and I like that very much. I said ‘this needs to be a bootcamp now for me the rest of the time I am here. Tell me everything and don’t let me get away with anything. I just want to learn.’ I have my list now and have been working on them. I do feel excited to have this chance. I’ve got a new fire in my belly. Without an agent it’s very difficult to even get an audition (I had done 2 in 5 years. That was my reality).

This first few days after George took me on, it was like my system just went ‘time out’. Like I could just ‘crash’ for once after all the trying. I think this whole year, as amazing as it’s been has exhausted me too with all the trying and moving around and I just needed to sleep. I just needed to be alone and not have to give to anyone, so I just did what ‘I’ wanted and did the things that ‘inspired’ me rather than ‘tired’ me. I would say that’s been a theme recently for me. There’s stuff I’ve been doing that I’m finding draining now and I’m really thinking about the people and energy I want around me. What do I want to do? That’s been another question, and I’m really just putting myself first. ‘Let it begin with me’ as they say as one of the slogans at Al Anon where I go to meetings for people affected by other people’s drinking. My dad was an alcoholic and this 12 step programme has really helped me in the past and I decided to go again to meetings.

I feel like I’m juggling a few balls in the air right now and it’s been really stressful too. Sometimes I find it hard to deal with everything that’s going on and my body just screams at me. It’s like I’m in fight or flight all the time. All the changes, all the new people, the opportunities, putting myself out there, sorting my show out and the stress of making sure I get enough people in the audience, doubting myself, practising, going out to sing, dealing with people. It takes it’s toll on me. That’s why I just go in my cave and spend time alone. I love being alone. I love it so fricking much. I don’t have to give anything to anyone.

Saying that though I’ve just spent the last week not alone. One of my besties was over visiting from Atlanta and stayed with me so I had someone to help me. She came and gave out my flyers for my show whilst I was singing and chatted to people. I have no idea who is passing by and can’t really chat to people but Andrea is good at making conversation and bonding with people. She got me in with one of the staff at St. Thomas’s church on fifth avenue, the equivalent of St. Paul’s cathedral. A lady from the office was passing by when I was singing in Central Park and took my card and Andrea was telling her about what I’m doing. We went to see her yesterday and she’s passing my details on to the lady who organises music there. Hence the name of my blog post. ‘Through the back door’. I’d already been there and spoke to the music staff and got the general ‘thanks but no thanks’ and then someone hears me and they’ll try to get me in singing for the seniors there first and then that’s my foot in the door. The agent heard me singing on the street. Another ‘through the back door’ way of doing it. The Americans have that saying for when you do something but it’s doesn’t happen in the usual way. This whole last three years of singing for me has been about going ‘through the back door’ for everything. I tried the normal way and NOONE was interested. Like NOONE, so I just went and did it my way and became ‘me’ and it’s working. Best thing I ever did.

We schlepped around New York all week, partners in crime, with flyers in hand. I even rallied Anne with her walking frame to come and help. She wanted to and has the most amazing life story. What a fighter this lady is. An orphan, who was working cleaning houses when she was 10, became an activist and helped women who were being abused, marched with Martin Luther King and has done a lot to help people in her life. A real inspiration and she’s now fighting for me too. Thank you. Norma too. She moans but she cares too. I have met so many supportive people here. I’m learning to trust and let others help. My housemate Akeem is great too. We get on so well and have really deep chats and share stories and he helped with me my flyers and is just a really good guy, originally from Trinidad. This is the happiest I’ve been living somewhere here and I have to leave in 2 weeks and go to my next sublet. I genuinely don’t want to leave here.

It’s three weeks to my show too and I have to get people in (slightly worried about this one) but I’m doing my best. I have my first rehearsal on Monday with the pianist so I’m looking forward to his input and starting to put it all together. He’s another Northern English guy so we should make a right good pair.

I’m planting seeds for my future. I don’t know how it will all work out but at least I’m doing something and I’m doing it despite the stress and worry and the ups and downs. I show up and I do it every day. I love what I do. I love that I came here and have the guts to at least try. I give my heart and soul to what I do and this not working out is not an option. I’ll be doing an opera appreciation class next year and I’m looking forward to seeing what next year will bring. If it’s anything like this year it will be a  bare knuckle rollercoaster ride. Amazing but bloody scary too.

Here’s a video of me singing a snippet from a song in my show, from ‘L’Elisir d’amore’ by Donizetti.

It was my audition aria that got me all my jobs when I was first getting myself out there to opera companies. Come to my show on October 27th at 3pm at The Triad Theater and check out my website at www.iamnicolamills.com. Follow me on facebook and Instagram. Thanks.