I’m just sat in my lovely apartment looking out to the sea. This is my morning view when I walk out of my bedroom. It’s cold here today and it’s snowing. I was meant to go to Eze and see that but it’s snowed in a bit so I’m going to go through to Ventimiglia in Italy and see the old town of the trains are running (just found out there’s no train info so I’ll give that a miss too). I can’t believe that there’s only 3 days left. It’s real ‘boohoo does this all have to end?’ At the start 4 weeks seems like a long time but it soon goes and I feel like I’ve done loads and I’ve had the most amazing experience. I’ve really seen it as a gift of an experience. I’ve loved the beauty of it and the simple living. What’s given me real pleasure is being by the sea (just real medicine);the sun; living in my apartment with Claire (we’ve had some real laughs); popping to the little market most days to get my veggies and pick up my baguette from the bakery;

the lack of people around (real contrast to London; the bus ride to work along the gorgeous coastline; the colleagues at the opera who have been really welcoming to us all and also been good to reconnect with the Brits I knew way back who have also been singing here (people back from my Glyndebourne days). I’ve learnt a lot about myself and I feel it’s done me a lot of good to have been out here. A real change of scenery. I’ve done the most beautiful walks along the coast and just loved listening to and sitting by the sea.

My family came to visit for a few days too in half term and I was really happy that I could share some of what I am doing here with them. They hired a car and had a good look around and we managed to get up in the mountains together one day and my nephew liked having some beach time even though the sea was freezing. I didn’t have an evening free to see them but I’m just glad they got the chance to come out here. I’m always staying at their place and it was nice to return the favour and offer them something myself whilst I have a home to offer them.

I had to work every evening (rehearsals until midnight which really messes your body clock up). That last week of rehearsals was hard only because of the really late nights. I’ve no idea why they would want to rehearse until midnight and have us free all day. We all just felt tired from sleeping late and getting up early and I got a cough and cold for the premiere. I started to worry I would lose my voice and not be able to do stuff coming up but luckily it was a short and sweet cough. It’s been a quick process with not much rehearsal time but it’s been good to do. To work with other people, to be part of something again and to be back on stage.  I have to say though it’s the weirdest premiere I’ve ever done. It’s the gala night here so apparently everyone gets dressed up and gets their jewels out.

Peter Grimes is not for the faint hearted. It’s a heavy story about Peter Grimes who is a fisherman and his three boy apprentices all die but we never know what really happened to them and he claims his innocence, so it’s not light stuff. A lady left in the first part of the opera (the music is heavy too. I love it but it’s a certain taste and check me out there as a fisherwoman), so by the second half it was half empty. Not for the Monaco set obviously. The clapping was luke warm (but we were told many jewels are around so people don’t want to damage anything, which I don’t know if it’s entirely true). They are not enthusiastic clappers out here, but never mind, the show has to go on and we have one more to go, then it’s back to Blighty (how the hell will I cope with London again after this month?).

One thing that has really got me down and into my system this last week is the play of egos and the bullshit of the opera world. It’s everywhere and there are just some real dicks in this profession. People who love to have some kind of power and manipulate you and I’ve felt myself just being sucked into drama about auditions and who’s doing what etc…..who thought this and that and tittle tattle rubbish (think of Extras by Ricky Gervais and it’s not so different). It reminds me of the reasons why I began to prefer singing on the streets to working at the opera when I was working in Antwerp. I don’t want my heart and soul ripped out and made to feel inadequate and of no value as a singer. I just can’t do it all anymore and I felt I’ve had to speak my truth so many times this week and fight my own battles within me to cope. The insecurity and self doubt once thrown back into the toxic side of it all is not pleasant at all. I wish I was the kind of person who could brush it off and be like ‘whatever’ but I’ve not got to that yet, and I’m really glad I have my own thing going on because without it I think I would have drowned in this profession. Claire has given me a piece of great advice that I’ll take with me and she just says ‘none of it matters’.

It’s so easy to get sucked into it all and really difficult to keep a sense of balance and power within yourself. I kept thinking I just want to go home but then I’m reminded that right now I don’t have a home to go to. Then that’s hard to take. Going back to nothing anyway. I feel so strongly that I want to build up my own unit in life and have my partner and my family as such and this year is about me doing that because there’s such a need in me to have ‘my thing in life’. It’s just me and my singing thingy for now and I’m really aware that there’s not much else for me to focus on which at times makes me feel lonely inside, but I’m determined this year is about me for me, if that makes any sense.

So of course we had to throw a ‘it’s nearly over’ party. I love a good party and getting people together so I made my fave Belgian dish for them (Stoofvlees) with mash (we are all a bit bread and cheesed out now) and got really drunk on Prosecco (bugger it),

but from tomorrow it’s back to business as I’m recording a video to send to the agent in America (so he can actually start doing something), and then I have an audition for a guy who lives in Nice who organises singers for Wexford Festival Opera. He’s giving me a working session which is always much nicer as you get time to work and chat a bit and it’s not as harsh as an audition. I’ve been learning words for some gigs coming up, and my Julie Andrews event is on its way. I have my programme order in place now so need to write my script of things I want to tell people about her life (check out my poster for it courtesy of Darren Marshall).

It’s April 13th in the evening and April 15th in the afternoon. There’s a really good mix of songs and it’s served with light refreshments on the Friday and cream tea on the Sunday courtesy of Gemma at Scona (the absolute best scones I’ve ever had). You can even sing along too (live out your The Sound of Music fantasies).

I’m over in Belgium next weekend to sing for a group of people at their community centre. It’s the 3^rd time I’ve sang for them and they always make an occasion of it and do a meal (last time they did an English afternoon tea) and they are always so welcoming, and I’ve tied it in with an 80’s party for two of my friends birthday (getting my fancy dress neon on). I’m really on the road more now so the suitcase will be a big part of my life for however long now. I’ve got some lovely concerts coming up over the next few weeks (Romiley Little Theatre on March 17th and with and Opera Gala with Oldham Symphony Orchestra on March 18th). Back on my own turf and always proud to be singing in my home town.  All info is on my website www.iamnicolamills.com

I’ll never forget my Monaco experience. Living in Beaulieu Sur Mer has been dream living and really living the life and I’ll miss the banter, but all good things come to and end and I’m ready to move on to what’s coming next. I don’t think my system can take anymore baguette tbh. Ready for the next chapter in this asopranoasuitcaseandarucksack thingy.