I’m sat in my room in Bushwick in Brooklyn

and I had just nearly finished my blog post and the computer just suddenly closed down Firefox and I lost it all. I was nearly finished and the only time I haven’t saved it as I’ve gone along. It’s been one of those shitty days tbh. Chasing my tail the whole day, and nothing working. In the end I just admitted defeat and gave in. It’s been a tough week I have to say. On the one hand thrilled to be back in New York and on the other not thrilled to be back out ‘working it’ and putting myself ‘out there’. I find it so hard and whilst I was back in the UK I got a breather and could sit back a bit and see family and friends and generally just not think about being here. By the time I was ready to return I was not thinking ‘yeah, get me over there’ but more like ‘OMG, I’m actually overwhelmed as to where to start. I’d already heard from the Central park people that they don’t know if they can give me any regular slots singing in the park, so it’s  on an ‘as and when there is something’ or if someone cancels. That threw me a bit. If I’m honest though I feel like the singing on the streets is going to come to an end at some point and it’s time to up my game and get out there in a more serious way, and really be seen and heard by people. This was my view in Oldham (the town I am from in the North of England) when I sang there just before I flew back out (definitely not glamorous looking at someone collecting the rubbish but nothing more real than that). I went through a lot of inner stuff whilst I was back in the UK and by the end of it I felt stronger and really different on the inside and I feel ready for new things.

I’m a pretty strong person. I consider myself a bit of a warrior on the inside but this week has been really tough in some respects. ‘Where do I start in a massive city like this to be seen and heard?’ ‘Where do I begin?” Who do I contact?’ ‘What do I say?’ It just feels more serious now than the first visit where it was mostly a whirlwind of excitement. I’ve made lists, emailed lots of people and walked the length and breadth of Manhattan knocking on doors. I was mostly being turned away by a doorman who told me I can’t just come and solicit myself and must have an appointment. I did get an appointment with the lady who organises events in libraries but I’ll sing on a voluntary basis and do it for the ‘being heard by people’ thing. Have you any idea what it feels like to try to create opportunities when you can’t officially do so? It gives me a disadvantage before I’ve even begun, and this week I’ve felt like it’s all got too much. I’ve been waking up in the night in pain from tensing my jaw and neck in my sleep, feeling stressed and worrying that I won’t work it out and won’t do my mission in life. For anyone reading this who is passionate and feels they have a calling, it’s all consuming and never gives you time to just forget about it. Ever since I came to New York two years ago I’ve been adamant that I will live here in the future and I’m just following that calling and doing what I can to make it happen. There are times I just long for a life of simplicity and not this constant state of working things out especially in a country I am not allowed to stay in, but at the same time I had a simpler life and left it every time so it’s not for me and I know that. However it does not mean that I enjoy not having a rug under my feet right now. My tummy is tense now just as I’m writing this. It takes me back to when I first started all this in Antwerp and the first year of facing so many fears with it as I started my ‘The Down to Earth Diva’ thing. I suppose I’m just ready for the next stage. Onwards and upwards.

On the plus side, I’ve done a bit of sightseeing (only a bit though because I can’t be bothered mostly),

sang in The Jewish Center for Women on the Upper West Side. It’s my lovely but grumpy old lady Norma who asked me. This woman has taken me under her wing and gives me endless people to contact and is doing whatever she can to help me but when she calls she tells me every negative thing about what I am doing so I have to not let her worry me too. Another lady was there and then wants to help too. She’s asked me to open her show in October and show people what I can do to promote my ‘A soprano and a suitcase’ show that I’m doing on October the 27th. I have to get bums on seats so this will be a real help to me. I have been waiting for my old housemate to do a flyer for me but she’s too busy and I’ve just worked out how to do one myself (just got to get stuck in)

and find a way to do it. This is another risk I’m doing. Putting my own money into a show here. It’s all just putting myself out there, not knowing what the results will be. I feel like there’s absolutely no comfort zone for me right now expect when I’m walking (I love walking) and when I’m seeing friends. They get a right good talking to about it all.

I did make a picnic though for Marc and introduced him to Salad Nicoise and sat in the park (followed by a few Belgian beers), and because the weather is still nice enough me and Ellen went for our fix of frozen margaritas. She is my cocktail partner in crime.I also met up with a Belgian woman who organises The Metropolitan Opera National Council auditions ( a big singing competition) and she has invited me as her guest to the posh dinner, so that’s a nice freebie to have thanks very much.

I’d just arrived last week and an old school friend called ‘Ratty’ who used to call me ‘Millsy’ suddenly got in contact out of the blue. He asked how I was and I said I was back here, scared and feeling overwhelmed. He said ‘you are living Nicola. You are living.’ Yep. He’s right. I’m living. I’m getting out there right into the thick of it all and going for it with everything I’ve got. It’s a rollercoaster ride of every emotion possible and I don’t know what I’m doing. I have to just know that at some point it’s all going to make sense and I’ll be like ‘I’m glad I did all that’. I am glad I’m doing it. I’m glad I’m here. I’m happy to be able to sing. I love what I do and I love that I can bring pleasure to people. I want to be the best I can be and help others with what I have. That’s what it’s all about to me. I was sorting out some papers over here (I’d left a bag at Ellen’s place)

and this slipped out which I’d not seen. I was back at the homeless place on Monday serving dinners to people and people were saying ‘I still remember you singing and when are you singing again?’ September the 24th my people. I’m back in Senior Centers this week and back in the park so let’s see what this trip is going to be about. It’s certainly got a whole different feel to the first time. Time to get real. Follow me on Facebook

and check out my website at www.iamnicolamills.com