Feel the fear and fricking do it anyway…….

Blog / Monday, August 13th, 2018

Hi All,

I’m just sat in my friends apartment in Belgium. I was singing at a ‘white picnic’ event this afternoon in Knokke, which for all who don’t know is a wealthy part of Belgium where the ‘bourgeoisie’ live. I was asked by a man I’ve sang quite a lot for over the past few years when I had just started my own singing business. He helped me raise quite a lot of money for my first trip to America (I never forget someone who helps me), so when he asks me to sing I want to do it just to give back to him. Everyone brought their picnics, cracked open the champers and it was party time on a Monday afternoon (go on people!!!!!!).

Perks of the job are always getting a nice glass or two of something at the end of it. Champagne today (they can crack on with that one).

Sooooooooooo (I know you are not meant to begin a sentence with ‘So’ but I am doing) it’s certainly not felt easy the last few weeks. My mind is really going with this whole thing that I’m doing. It’s felt mentally hard to deal with it all if I’m being honest.

I went to my friend Gaynor’s in Derby for a week and it was like someone had whacked me round the head. I was shattered. I think the last few months just caught up with me and I just needed to mentally switch off and have a rest. There are times I think I push myself and burn myself out a bit, but there aren’t many places at the moment I can go to and just really relax a bit. I’m continually on the go and I do love the excitement of all these different places and getting myself out there but then must remember to take time to recharge too.

My mind is going into the fear of it all and the sheer not knowing what to do next. If someone could give me something to just go and ‘bury my head in it’ for some sheer relief for a while it would be like ‘aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh’. I just feel more pressure now. The first time I went to New York I was caught up in all the excitement of it and had absolutely no idea how it would all go or what I would do. Now I know I want to stay and have to find a way to stay but don’t know how to find a way to stay and need to generate work to get a visa but how do I generate work to get a visa so you get the gist of it (mind in overdrive)……where do I start?

A part of me just doesn’t want to go back and face it all if I am honest, even though at the same time I’m dying to get back. Most of my friends there contact me most days but whilst I’m here it’s like I just don’t have to face it for a few weeks and can just pretend it’s all not happening (live in la di da di da I’m not listening land for a while). It’s been an amazing year without a shadow of a doubt and I am definitely choosing to live this way but at times it can feel overwhelming too. There have been a few inner storms these last few weeks which have felt really difficult and pulled me under a bit.

On the other side I had a great time with Gaynor. We laughed, cried at ‘Long Lost Family’ because we are soft, had chips from the chippy, roast dinners, bacon sandwiches, drank cocktails and just ‘hung out’ together, grateful for my lovely pitstop for the week.

I then was back up North doing the rounds there. I sang for ‘Romiley Little Theatre’ for the second time but outside this time.

I love this group of people. They are down to earth, were firing questions at me, let me sing in jeans without caring and are just generally very supportive to what I am doing,

plus I get the whole Northern thing good and proper. I also sang on the streets in Bolton and Bury (was staying with my cousin nearby), saw an old friend from my sixth form college days and Oldham Music Centre days.

Great to take a journey back in time and catch up with each other. I haven’t seen her for over 20 years.

I had a good Northern fill and was ready for the big smoke again. I can only cope with London in small doses now but I wanted to have some singing lessons again and I do really enjoy learning from my teacher. He’s 80 years old, he knocks me into shape, we banter with each other and swear our heads off too but this guy has taught me a lot. Another thing to feel really grateful for. It’s my birthday on Wednesday so I’ll be out singing in Liverpool St. Station (ha ha, I even want to do it on my birthday) and I’ll have a lesson too and then see my friend from Holland in the evening.

Here’s the man himself, my singing teacher.  I’m getting some champers in to celebrate everything I’ve done this year. I think I deserve it even for the sheer courage it’s taken. Mind you, not too bad to have been to Belgium, around the UK, Monaco, France, Canada and New York so far. I’ve slept in countless beds, stayed in many places, sang in many different places, met many people and basically had a cracking time. Yep, it’s not easy but at the same time I will not be beaten and I will never settle for a life that is not what I’m here to do. I know that. I’m here to sing for people and I’m here to sing for many people and my future is in America and I WILL make that happen. I’ve booked to do my show in a theatre over there calling it ‘A Soprano and a Suitcase’ (a show of my favourite songs and my stories to go with it)  and I’ll pray for help and guidance, trust myself and what I’m doing and keep getting my ‘gift’ out there for others to enjoy. Deep down I want this much more than I’m scared of it and have to keep remembering that.  Check me out on Facebook and check out my website .

2 Replies to “Feel the fear and fricking do it anyway…….”

  1. Wow! The story of your journey is amazing! First of all, what you are doing takes a kind of courage that I have NEVER really seen before; I have only heard about. To choose to chase your dreams no matter what takes a brave individual. Thanks for sharing. 😀

    1. Thank you. I am in the middle of it now so the only thing is to carry on. It does feel good but it is scary too. Keep going.

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